As imagined by Brian Beacom
YES, yes, we lost the Supreme Court ruling this week – but let me make this perfectly clear, I saw it coming as clearly as the shine on Matt Hancock’s brass neck.
And it doesn’t matter because, like the John Lewis Christmas advert, the SNP is essentially selling the message of love.
Forget our flogging of ‘the people of Scotland’ phrase and flinging around ‘denial of democracy’ like poundshop wedding confetti.
Now, we’re going to flog the broken marriage analogy for all it’s worth.
And why not?
If a marriage isn’t working, isn’t it perfectly OK for one partner to say: ‘Sling your hook, you fat, colonialist, nation-crushing, democracy-denying parasite. And don’t slam the door on the way out.’
Look. Tell me this; if someone is trapped in a loveless relationship, they need a way to exit.
The Supreme Court judges may have said, and I’m paraphrasing here, ‘Haud yer, wheest, Nicola. Have you looked at the Barnett Formula and support payments, which always come through the letterbox on time?’
And others are arguing; ‘Why don’t you call an election in Scotland now, if you’re so sure that’s what the people of Scotland want?’
But I would say to them: ‘Are you mad? We’ve set aside £25m of hard-earned taxpayers' money – money they are giving over to us in an era of Bob Cratchit austerity – and you think I’m going to insult them by not spending it on our divorce campaign?’
Too much to spend? Well, it’s still four million less than Baroness Bra Michelle Mone is alleged to have tucked into her Ultimo squeezers, thanks to her endorsement of her husband’s ‘VIP’ PPE contract deal.
Of course, Baroness Mone previously said, through her lawyers, that she never had any role or function in the company, or in the process in which contracts were awarded.
But back to my fave subject – the indyref.
Yes, okay, I do appreciate that by calling for this separation via a de facto referendum and setting the exit marker at just above the fifty per cent line, it will create a greater divide than the space between Liz Truss’s ears.
But we won’t lose the de facto plebiscite, and I’ll tell you why.
Anyone who has ever been up the Cathkin Braes Country Park on a Friday will confirm that Scotland has more than its fair share of swingers, and we believe they will be more than happy to climb into the back of the tartan-painted Volvo estate that is the new Scotland.
Yes, you may well ask; ‘What if this new single, fun-loving Scotland collapses, that the cost of our ageing, obese, alcohol and drug dependent population causes its arthritic knees to collapse – and Scots want to go back to their previous partner?
'And what if our ex stops giving as contracts for shiny new frigates? Will we have another de-facto vote, Tindering Westminster if you like, in the hope they swipe right?'
Let’s not think about that. Let’s concentrate on the job at hand, which is to make sure I’m not looking for a new job anytime soon.
And let’s tell our fat cat partner that they are well and truly chucked.