Notes on chocolate: tall tales and far-fetched ingredients

When I was pregnant with my second child, and planning a home birth, my partner was doing everything he could to help and support. In a conversation one day, with me at eight months bloom, he said, nervously, ‘You’re not going to ask me to eat the placenta or anything are you?’

‘No of course not,’ I answered, feeling overblown but mischievous. ‘But you do know the placenta can move by itself so you will have to catch it or it will keep moving across the room.’

I told my partner what it was made of so there would be all the more for me

His horrified look as I saw him struggle with simultaneously wanting to be helpful but his own, inner, terror led me to hold the facade for just seconds before I broke, and told him that placentas did not do that.

This week I thought of this as I tested, filed away (for giving away) then grabbed back a rather good bar of milk by Dutch makers Chocolate Makers, £4.95.

At only 37% milk I thought it might be too sweet and sickly, but the cocoa hit is strong. This is really a bar worth trying: rich and fudgey and – I know this sounds slightly mad – but really chocolatey.

It has a silhouette of a gorilla on the front so I told my partner it was made from gorilla milk, in part to dissuade him from eating it (all the more for me). Reading the wrapper didn’t help as it’s all in Dutch. Eventually I cracked, he tasted it, loved it and we finished the bar together.

Before lockdown, someone gave me a bar of 70% milk by the UAE-based makers Al Nassma. This really did contain camel’s milk. And it was delicious.