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Once A Cheat, Always A Cheat: How Likely Are People To Stray Second Time Round?

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[Photo: Rex Features]

A recent study by Dr Beckmann suggest that 53 per cent of women who are cheated on forgive their partners in the hope that they won’t make the same mistake again.

However, sadly, it seems that the evidence is stacked against them and cheating is more of a habit than perhaps we want to believe.

We spoke to four experts, a life coach, a clinical psychiatrist, relationships expert and a sexpert, discussing the subject of cheating with each. Interestingly, each professional came to a slightly different conclusion – showing the ambiguity of the issue and the real difficulty in labeling someone a ‘cheat’ for life.

Sex and relationships expert and star of Channel 4’s ‘The Sex Inspectors’ Tracey Cox, however, certainly had a clean cut view: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

“Ask yourself these questions: What’s their cheating history? If they’ve cheated on every person they’ve ever been out with and been forgiven for doing so, why should they stop?” says Tracey.

“It might cause you problems, but it’s working for them. A true serial cheater will often see nothing wrong with being unfaithful. The problem with giving second chances is this: Once you forgive bad behaviour, you effectively condone it.

“If your partner has a history of being unfaithful and forgiven or they’ve done it to you repeatedly, they will almost certainly continue to cheat.”

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[Photo: Rex Features]

Shockingly 45 per cent of men admit to cheating on a partner versus 21 per cent of women.

However, clinical psychiatrist Richard Reid, who specialises in relationship issues and therapies, says things can’t be as clear cut as Tracey suggests.

“It’s simplistic to suggest that everyone who has had an affair will definitely cheat again,” he explains. “While some people’s personalities are certainly predisposed towards repeat behaviour, the vast majority of affairs happen because people are emotionally overwhelmed and under-resourced to properly acknowledge and address their negative feelings.”

He’s view is that people cheat because they are struggling to deal with a whole load of emotional baggage. Infidelity is rarely the result of a momentary lapse in judgment or attraction to someone else. But does that make it any more forgivable?

Richard suggests that motivations that drive cheating can be addressed and solved to prevent this repeat behavior.

“With the right guidance and support, people can develop greater self-awareness and better coping strategies. Hence they have the potential to learn to be better partners as a result.”

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[Photo: Rex Features]

Relationships coach Susan Quilliam agrees that cheating is never the problem itself.

“Cheating is almost always a symptom rather than a cause of relationship problems. In other words, the relationship itself has hit hard times,” Susan says. “Therefore a serial cheater will think their cheating is justified; if they’re unhappy in a relationship, it’s OK to look elsewhere either temporarily or in order to find a new partner.

“And because they believe it’s justified, their partner’s misery or even the prospect of splitting is less likely to make them stick to the straight and narrow. ‘My wife doesn’t understand me’ is the classic line.”

Life coach, Lucy Sheridan, further emphasises that cheating is merely a symptom of an existing problem and unless you solve that, it will continue to happen.

“There’s way more to it than just, ‘they’re an a*sehole’. It’s certainly more likely that cheating will happen again if someone is not choosing to deal with their problems and are trapped in the damaging fall out behaviours – i.e. the cheating,” she explains.

“The same question applies to all: ‘has what was missing for the cheater been fulfilled?’. Have they healed or dealt with what motivated them to cheat in the first place?”

To change a cheater’s behaviour, it seems you have to address the problem that is causing them to cheat in the first place. Are they lonely? Are they not satisfied sexually?

Just remember, that while the real problem is with the individual or the relationship will vary cheating is normally always a side effect to an existing problem.

Solve this first to avoid the same thing happening over and over again.

Tracey’s product ranges are available at Lovehoney, Britain’s biggest online sex toy retailer.

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