Like you, I am also a Christmas nerd. I love the holidays. Every year, I immerse myself in classic holiday tunes (Bing Crosby and the Rat Pack, thank you very much), eat the appropriate holiday treats, obsessively watch Freeform’s 25 Days of Christmas (Rankin/Bass rules), and take many jaunts through neighborhoods where the homeowners band together to create a holiday spectacular worthy of the endless line of cars that drive up and down their streets.
Even though I live in a city that never sees snow, I decorate as though I live in the Alps, coating my home in an unhealthy number of lights and covering every inch of open space with some manner of appropriate decoration. When I buy a house, I plan to ensure that it will be seen from space every holiday season (and will possibly employ Aaron Spelling’s old trick of renting a snow-making machine to complete the illusion.)
And while I admit that I start this whole thing a little early for most people’s liking — usually before Thanksgiving — even I think there is a time and a place to start your Christmas celebrations. And it’s not before Halloween.
Today, I started my morning with a new holiday song newly released by you, Gwen Stefani. It was initially announced in September, when we were barely in the stages of immersing ourselves in Halloween. Ms. Stefani — or Gwen, can I call you Gwen? Gwen, I appreciate your dedication to the holidays. I love that you’re doing a Christmas song this year, and I love it even more that your boyfriend Blake Shelton is featured on it, too. But please — for the love of all things green and red — can’t you wait until Halloween’s body is cold and dead in the ground before you start crooning about gingerbread and presents and how your beloved makes it feel like Christmas?
“I want to thank the storm that brought the snow,” Shelton sings in the opening line … but here in Los Angeles, we’re about to hit 101 degrees come Tuesday. This is not the time to be singing about mistletoe and snuggling by the fire! Goblins and ghouls, yes. Witches? For sure. Santa and his sleigh? No, no, no. There are no sleigh bells to be had until we’re at least in the Uggs and denim miniskirts phase of fall. This weekend, we’re still going to be sunning ourselves at the beach. This is not the least bit Christmassy!
And while I’m at it, Miss Mariah Carey, I do not question your status as Queen of Christmas at all. You are undoubtedly the epicenter of the holidays every year, and “All I Want for Christmas” is the only holiday jam I can dig when it comes to new-era Christmas music. But even you have to admit that September was way too early to start immersing us in candy canes and your Christmas glamour. And now you, too, have released your song “The Star” for the upcoming animated film of the same name, telling the story of the birth of Jesus. We’re barely past the middle of October. We’re still over a week away from Halloween! Please, can we not?
Jezebel points out that you’re both about to be joined by Nick Jonas and Sia. I beg of you, at the very least, wait until the week after next to drop those albums and do the associated media rounds. Fantasia already released her holiday album on Oct. 6. Oct. 6! Look, I get that the world is currently a dumpster fire that seems to get gasoline poured on it at least once a week, but forcing the holidays to come too early is not the way to deal with this.
Celebrities, please — keep bringing the holiday bling, and spread that joy around as much as possible. Just wait until at least November. Have you no respect for Halloween? At this rate, we’ll be celebrating Valentine’s Day before Thanksgiving. (Don’t go getting any ideas.)
Yours in holiday-obsessive solidarity,
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