I should have seen it coming really: that the bride who fell out with her future husband over which lettuce to have in the salad at their wedding might have an opinion on the dress I wear when I pose next to her on the most important day of her life.
Still, I should count myself lucky in the fact I only received a sternly worded WhatsApp to say my royal blue bridesmaid dress that was, apparently, not royal enough. At least she didn’t ask me to run every haircut and colour past her for the last year, or to “lose a cheeky pound or two” by August, as one friend was politely asked to do before her big day as bridesmaid number 10.
Wedding season is back, baby! And with it, that annual test of friendships, bank balances and endurance — if you’re one of those expected to wear heels, anyway. The reassuring news? My friend doesn’t seem to be the only one going full-on clichéd bridezilla. According to insiders, even Hollywood mega-queen Jennifer Lopez has turned into one — which is surprising, given that “excessive media attention surrounding [her] wedding” was precisely the reason she and fiancé Ben Affleck called off their nuptials the first time, in 2003.
The couple rekindled their very public romance last July and Affleck reportedly popped the question (again) last week, with a $10 million ring four times the size of the one he proposed with 18 years ago. But it’s not just the ring that’s gone super-size. A source close to J-Lo said this week: “She wants it to be the Hollywood equivalent of a royal wedding and she’s driving everyone up the wall”, Affleck included. Friends are, it’s said, trying to calm her down to avoid Bennifer-breakup 2.0. She’s ploughing on. Why let relationship problems get in the way of a good wedding, right?
Lopez is said to be “chang[ing] her mind constantly” and ringing her planners at “all hours of the night” — a special trait of the bridezilla to which anyone chosen as a bridesmaid can probably relate (added bonuses for brides: they’re free, they buy their own uniform and they actually have to thank you for the privilege).
I’m being facetious, of course. There’s nothing more uplifting than friends tying the knot, especially if you’ve chosen to be one of the close party by their side. But was I really so naïve to think Covid’s 30-person weddaggedon might have, well, helped tone things down a little? My friend admits her pared-down wedding was arguably more fun than the 150-person knees-up they originally had planned, and the best hens I’ve been to have been one-dayers inside the M25, where you roll out of a club at 3am, happy to be in your own bed and actually looking forward to the big bash in a few weeks’ time.
Wedding season should be a time for cementing friendships and relationships, not breaking them, and J-Lo’s engagement-on-the-rocks rumours are a cautionary tale. Brides and grooms, your (true) friends don’t care what paper you’ve printed the invitations on, or how much weight your bridesmaids have lost, and I doubt your future spouse does too — if you make it that far.
Are you even a Johnny Depp superfan unless you’ve flown to the other side of the world and bawled your eyes out in front of the global press? Even then, you’ll have competition.
According to reports from Virginia this week, the Pirates of the Caribbean actor’s most die hard supporters have been jetting in from as far away as Australia and using up their entire annual leave just to support him through his defamation trial against ex-wife Amber Heard — impressive loyalty, though I’m hardly surprised.
When I wrote about Heard’s life during their first salacious libel trial in July 2020, I received more Twitter threats in 24 hours than I have in my eight years in journalism put together.
As the courtroom nastiness heats up, Heard should be wary of what Depp’s lawyers have up their sleeves. But she should also beware of a prospect far more terrifying: coming face-to-face with the Deppheads.