Outsiders may see London as the arrogant popular girl at school, but we have some big issues too

Ever wondered what the rest of the UK really thinks of us Londoners? Probably not. With 83,635 takeaway options, 40 five-star shows and countless gym fads to choose from, we’ve got better things to do.

Well, they’ve decided to tell us anyway, via a new YouGov survey commissioned by think-tank Centre for London. From a list of suggested words including “dynamic” and “innovative”, most respondents described the capital as “expensive”. You can’t argue with that, nor the demographically undeniable “diverse” to describe London’s inhabitants. It’s with the second-most popular choice, “arrogant”, that things start getting hurtful. Bit harsh, no?

To be fair, these out-of-towners probably have a point. If any common ground is to be found in a city this diverse, the notion that we’re all at least a little bit up ourselves seems plausible. After all, you need a healthy-sized ego just to elbow your way onto the Tube in the morning, never mind actually make it in the Big Smoke among the rest of the self-selected high-fliers. It’s not that we Londoners think we’re better than people who live elsewhere, it’s that we don’t think about them much at all. Instead, we’re most likely to be looking down on each other.

In the broadest terms, west Londoners think of east London as slightly grotty (you’d rather saunter through pretty Portobello Market on a Sunday morning, surely?), and east Londoners scoff at west London’s attempts to be hip (I mean, they’re probably still drinking cocktails out of mason jars, right?). Drivers look down on bus riders and vice-versa, while cyclists are up there on their high horse — also known as a Brompton foldable — thinking they’re superior to everyone.

It seems ludicrous now but there was even a brief moment, in the immediate wake of the Brexit vote, when the idea of London seceding from the rest of the UK to form an EU member city-state was a subject of semi-serious discussion in the most stridently Remain boroughs. And on that point at least, the non-London perception seems to be in line with how London sees itself: the capital is so different and so distinct from the rest of the UK as to be hardly a part of it all. While 77 per cent of those polled felt London contributed either “a lot” or “a fair amount” to the UK, 68 per cent felt their local area had not been a beneficiary.

Clearly, as Centre for London argues, we need to spread London’s prosperity more evenly around the country. Less clearly, we also need to spread the capital’s prosperity more evenly around London. Think of this city as the popular girl at school with her swishy hair, enviable confidence and fawning suitors. Think of Dudley, Salford and Newport as the awkward, outcast kids, glowering unnoticed from the other side of the cafeteria. They claim to hate her, yet would jump at an invitation to the party if offered. But did they ever stop to think that London might have problems of her own?

Gags meet glamour: it’s a potent mix

Emmy-winning comedy The Marvellous Mrs Maisel and stand-up Katherine Ryan are notable for their glamour as well as their gags. But while Mrs Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), the lone female comic in Sixties Manhattan, had to look shaggable merely to get on stage, Ryan dons her lipstick and heels in a very different context.

Recent interviews to promote her new show, Katherine Ryan: Glitter Room (at the Garrick until October 20), reveal a woman who, thrillingly, always does exactly as she pleases. Sometimes that’s openly indulging her “weird little hobby” of Botox, sometimes it’s gossiping about Celine Dion, but it’s always done with humour and without apology.

In a comedy scene that now includes the very brilliant and very different talents of Josie Long, Rose Matafeo, Sarah Millican, Bridget Christie, Michaela Coel, Shappi Khorsandi, Jayde Adams, Lolly Adefope, Sara Pascoe, Mae Martin and Jo Brand — to name a few — there are almost as many ways to be a successful stand-up as there are to be a woman.

The big fat lie of ‘just a few squares’

From the secret of Tom Watson’s svelte success to Cadbury’s new “Dark Milk” line, there’s no doubt that choccie bars made up of 80 per cent cocoa and above are the indulgence of choice for health- conscious sophisticates.

Labour’s deputy leader has lost seven stone in a year by cutting carbs and even, he says, “sometimes I’ll have a little bit of dark chocolate”. In fact, “a few squares and I’m done” has become a celeb interview cliché to rival “I just feel so blessed!”.

Sadly, after hours of research I can reveal the bitter, unblessed truth: it’s just as easy to scoff an entire bar of expensive dark in a single sitting as it is a cheapo milk one. Chocolate is chocolate — and it’s all delicious.