Ox horn carving or a ‘guided virtual bathtub experience’: Goop’s Xmas gift list is mad as ever

·3-min read
 (Natasha Pszenicki)
(Natasha Pszenicki)

When I decided to get a headstart on buying Christmas presents, I knew exactly what I was expecting from online gift guides. Wine and cheese hampers for my parents, JoJo Siwa themed garb for my niece, designer colognes for my partner — the usual. Then I saw the Goop Christmas gift guide and things got a lot more interesting.

At first glance, it looks normal enough: separated into categories from kid-friendly to wellness-focused and NSFW couples ideas. Then you investigate further and remember that these recommendations come from the same platform that endorsed exploding vagina candles and bee sting therapy. Let’s break down a few of my personal favourites.

Mercifully there is a category for gifts under $100 for those of us on a budget, though it’s mostly full of tat you’d find in a five quid box of Christmas crackers with some lavish adornment nobody asked for. A bottle opener will set you back $60 for example, then there’s the $88 marble body brush which is basically anything you can find in Superdrug but with — yes — marble. However, it’s on the side that won’t touch your skin, so really what’s the point? For the cooking enthusiasts in your life there’s the option of an ox horn carving set (no, me neither) or you can go the extra thousand miles and treat them to a guided fishing trip in Alaska for $450 a person — minus flights, accommodation and all the other faff.

For the absolute squares, there’s the gift of a monthly mystery-solving subscription and on the opposite end of the spectrum, risk-takers (or whoever you secretly hate) can be sent off to swim with sharks in Cape Town or go tiger-spotting in India.

The couple’s guide consists of basically the same sex toy but in different colours and finishes, some pills called DTF which is plant-based Viagra for women and then a red bow. No special material or USP. Just a bow. For $90. A guided virtual bathtub meditation will set you back $68, though how much different that would be from downloading the Headspace app and running a bath, I don’t know.

Then you have the Ridiculous but Awesome gift guide where you can treat your loved one to everything from psychic school to a stay in a mirrored tree house in Sweden. A Home Alone experience will give you a taste of Kevin McCallister’s life with pizza in the back of a limo and a stay at the Plaza. It’s not yet clear whether you can opt at extra cost for the added adrenaline rush of being chased by dangerous burglars. It is truly as if someone has stuck random objects and philosophical concepts in a hat and formed gift ideas out of whatever they pull from it.

There’s a lot to complain about when it comes to the entire premise of Goop and the aspirational life of wellness it tries to push at ridiculous price points. But look, Goop products are as much of a necessity as a £600 steak from Salt Bae, and therefore not the hill I’m willing to die on when it comes to the class divide. As a brand it’s really just campy, out of touch and — let’s be honest — fun to scoff at when you know none of the products are financially viable for you.

But between you and me, do I know where the Catskill Mountains are? No. If I had a spare $3,000 knocking about, would I still flirt with the idea of renting out a cabin in the Catskill Mountains? Yeah, probably.

Would you buy anything on the Goop Christmas gift guide? Let us know in the comments below.

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