Parents need to have an 'honest discussion' with their child if they miss grades

Parents need to have an "honest discussion" with their child on results day if they miss their grades about whether they should go to university at all,  the father of a Bristol student who took his own life has warned. 

James Murray said that by missing out on their preferred universities, students who go through ‘clearing’ can sometimes feel like failures. 

His son Ben was bitterly disappointed last summer when he failed to get the three As required to go to Edinburgh University, where his girlfriend and brother were also studying. After entering the clearing process, he managed to secure a place at Bristol University.

The fact that it was an excellent university appeared to make little difference to his sense of failure, Mr Murray said.

Soon after starting there, he fell behind with his studies, telling the university he was suffering from anxiety. In May this year, the 19-year-old committed suicide.

Now, as thousands of students prepare to pick up their A-level results, Mr Murray is urging parents of any pupils going through clearing to be vigilant for signs of distress or depression.

"Be aware that clearing can be a stressful process," he told the Telegraph. "Students will be going to a new place where they feel a lack of a sense of belonging – and they perhaps also feel a sense of failure."

Last year, Mr Murray believed that the clearing process itself had worked well for his son, but Ben viewed it very differently.

"I came out of the process thinking he had got a result," he admitted. "But Ben was thinking: 'This is not a success story, though I've done OK for somebody who failed to achieve the grades.' Basically, he had a sense of failure.

"What I've learned since is that there is so much pressure on his age group and in society to succeed and over-achieve."

Often, social media can make matters worse, he said.

"Staring at Facebook pages about your mates having fun up in Edinburgh when you're in Bristol can only add to a sense of failure and a lack of belonging.”

He urged parents to make use of resources offered by their children's schools, which can ask for A-level results to be checked as well as liaise with a chosen university to find out if it will accept a pupil with lower grades.

If students find a place through clearing instead, Mr Murray believes that parents should try to visit the university with their son or daughter.

"Do the follow-up: go and see the university and meet the people who are going to be responsible for your child's welfare - like people in halls, the faculty or in well-being [services]. There are also resources like [UK student mental health charity] Student Minds, and there are formal mentoring schemes at some universities."

And parents' support shouldn't end there. "Don't assume that the university is proactive on student support," he said. "Student support is still very much a reactive measure – the expectation is that students will go there themselves. In some cases, there are also early-alert systems which can get them referred.

James Murray

"But don't assume your son or daughter is given the same level of attention that they got at school. That’s why parents need to get involved.

“Make sure you have a mid-term checkpoint with your tutor and parents or other trusted parties to review how you are getting on at university and again ask yourself ‘have I made the right decision?’

“Keep talking to those who love you as well as the university tutors and student support. Know that you have other avenues to a happy life and that challenges in life happen but will be overcome.”

Parents must also bear in mind that university is not necessarily the best option for their child.

“On Clearing day or before, parents should have an honest discussion with their son or daughter as to whether going to university is really what they want to do,” he advises. “They could take a year out to decide.”

Mr Murray has campaigned for universities to be given the power to inform parents if their sons or daughters are struggling with life-threatening mental health issues. Currently, students can opt into the scheme voluntarily.

It’s one of a raft of measures in a new charter, announced by Universities' Minister Sam Gyimah earlier this year, that’s been developed in partnership with charities and higher education bodies.