Kevin James in ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’ (Sony Pictures)
We all know of the thousands of fan-fiction stories that series like Twilight, Hunger Games, and Star Trek have inspired. But did you know that Paul Blart: Mall Cop has also moved fans to imagine their own further adventures for the Segway-happy security guard? On fanfiction.net, there are five – five! – stories based on Kevin James’ character, and they are… well, considering that when this post was published, the film’s sequel, Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (which opens today) had a zero percent fresh rating on RottenTomatoes.com, who are we to judge?
So let’s take a look at these five very distinct entries in the Paul Blart canon, which take on everything from cartoon dinosaurs to urinals to the video game Street Fighter.
Summary: Blart fights the sumo wrestler from the Street Fighter video game series. We know Blart is light on his feet, but this feels like an unfair fight, even if it’s on PB’s home turf.
Excerpt: “E Honda then throws Paul Blart off the edge of the second floor balcony. Then after hitting the ground, Paul Blart gets back up and back onto his Segway. He then hides in the fountain. E Honda jumps down and looks for Paul Blart. When he walks in front of the fountain, Paul Blart rises from the water. He then jumps onto the sumo wrestler’s back and slaps his head. E Honda uses his Rise Bale Throw to throw him off and into a glass wall — but Paul Blart gets right back up in no time.”
Summary: This one actually doesn’t feature Blart at all: Instead, it centers on bad guy Veck, whose plan to rob the mall by posing as a rookie security guard was foiled by Blart in the first film. In this story, the most linear continuation of the Blart-iverse, Veck surfaces again, having had extensive plastic surgery to help him rob a different mall. Unfortunately for him, he runs into another underdog mall cop, this time a petite and childless blonde woman named Lexi.
Excerpt: “Lexi winced at Veck’s words but tried to put on a brave face. ‘I’m not afraid of you Veck. If someone like Paul could defeat you and your plans, then someone like me can also defeat you and your plans.’”
At four chapters, this is the longest Paul Blart fan fiction story. Unfortunately, it was never completed; the author promised to deliver more after a short hiatus… back in November of 2009. Here’s hoping they make good on it eventually.
Summary: Paul Blart finds an orphaned kid living in the ball pit. As a stand-up individual who knows what it’s like to be lonely, he takes the kid under his wing, training him as his little mall deputy cop. In a novel creative approach, this piece is written like a documentary script, with first-person accounts from Paul and his new friend, Drew, laid over visuals of their stories.
Excerpt: “DREW: I was sitting in the colorful ball pit crying about, well evvvveryyything; my life mostly. Then, the nice police officer man found me and now I am his ‘miniature mall cop.’ He is so nice and he even let me have a donut, but for some reason, he seems to be very worried about something.’”
Summary: This is listed as a parody, but it’s really just a weird mash-up of Paul Blart, anime Yu-Gi-Oh!, kids’ show The Wiggles, and awful racism: Basically, the very loosely defined plot involves Blart going around Detroit, yelling at minorities, and eventually escaping to Ferguson to commit minor hate crimes. It’s unclear whether the author is racist, or just imagining Paul Blart as a terrible, terrible person, but as the author writes under the user name Lee Harvey Oswald, he gives a pretty strong indication that it’s the former.
Excerpt: “Paul Blart was surprised by this, as he turned around and ejaculated ectoplasm onto Yugi’s face, while yelling ‘Bwaaah!’ like Hank Hill.”
Summary: The most sprawling entry in the Paul Blart fanfic canon is a two-chapter crossover event between our dopey hero and his own personal heroes, who are revealed to be… the dinosaurs from the movie series The Land Before Time. In this parallel dimension, The Land Before Time is not an animated movie; rather, they exist in a cartoon world that Blart can interact with, Roger Rabbit-style. And unfortunately for Paul Blart, these dinos are cold-hearted bullies, which is both heartbreaking and very hazardous for our kindly hero. Sadly, this story was never completed, and we can’t seem to get in touch with its author, so we’ll never know what happens after Paul Blart falls through the ceiling into a urinal and is confronted by the littlest dinosaur of all, Petrie (™).
Excerpt: ”‘Please, Baby Dinosaur Gang™[sic]!’ Paul Blart sobbed openly as he screamed his plea while speeding through the crowded mall away from the pursuing prehistoric infants. “Please don’t bite me on the penis!” Spike™ and Ducky™ had joined the hunt on their own Segways, and all four were gaining on their prey. Paul Blart couldn’t run forever, especially because he was about to crash into a Cinnabon.“