Huge money-saving tip for parents: Don’t bother buying a baby book or going to an expensive prenatal class – you can get FREE online advice via celebrities on social media who are uniquely qualified to tell you how to raise, feed and even hold your baby.
The latest of these is TV host-cum-baby guru Piers Morgan whose instructive class in how to hold your infant can be found on his Twitter page (that is, when he isn’t busy bashing his former best-friend-he-met-one-time-and-then-she-ignored-his-calls Meghan Markle.)
Piers wants you to know, idiot mums, that you are holding your baby wrong and it is DANGEROUS. But don’t worry, he’s just sharing this info because your followers (other mindless women, no doubt) might copy you. It’s all very unsafe.
“That’s not how you hold a baby @emrata – and your millions of followers shouldn’t be encouraged to do the same. Happy to give you some tips if you need them,” he wrote, sharing a picture of the actress Emily Ratajkowski holding her three-month-old son, Sylvester, and — one can only imagine — wringing his hands with fear.
I cannot believe I forked out £300 for an NCT class when I could be getting “some tips” from Piers. Although his comment does make me wonder if he has ever met a human woman with a baby (apart from bestfriendonetime Megs, obviously). In my experience, first-time parents do little else but research how to do things ‘properly’. Is Piers under the illusion that pregnant women won’t bother reading any of the thousands of books on parenting because they’ll just look on Instagram at how celebrities hold their infants?
Watch: Emily Ratajkowski faces mom shaming after sharing photos of herself holding her baby
Hitting back at the (justified) criticism of his post, Morgan later added: “If she chooses to use her baby as a prop to promote yourself to 27 million people on Instagram, and she’s holding that baby in a dangerous way, it’s actually the duty of any caring human being to tell her so the baby comes to no harm.”
I’m not sure how to sign up for Piers Morgan’s parenting class, but I’m looking forward to modules including “I’m just telling you to lose the baby weight because I care” and “Dads! Why are you wearing a baby sling? It makes you look like a girl”. Classic caring guy.
It’s nice to know that Morgan is fearlessly leading the charge when it comes to baby-holding. If he hadn’t shared that image, I’d still be walking around dangling my own child by the ankle – and goodness knows what other parents would have been doing.
And Morgan is just one of the hundreds of people who commented under this poor woman’s Instagram post in the interest of “safety”. She gets it, guys, you’d hold your kid differently. Well done you. A picture snapped of a second in time is hardly a clear guide as to what’s going on when the camera’s off – but why let that stop the feedback?
When my son was six months old, I popped to Tesco (it was a wild day out for me). I was, as all new parents are, hugely under-slept, wearing old maternity jeans, and praying that my vagina wouldn’t give up on me during the five-minute walk to the shop.
At the till, the man on the checkout decided that what I needed alongside my weekly shop was some good old parenting advice. “You should talk to your baby, he wants to talk to you,” he told me as I rocked the pram to get him to nap.
“I’m trying to get him to sleep,” I grimaced.
“No,” he said. “No mum, he wants your attention now, you need to look at him.”
Piers Morgan doesn’t need to worry about the safety and wellbeing of new mums and babies – for there are guardians everywhere, helping us as we go about our day, reminding us to “cheer up, love”, explaining how to hold our children, even helping us to understand where we should and shouldn’t breastfeed.
After all, when you’ve birthed a child and are surviving on four hours’ sleep a night, that’s what you really need: public shaming and constant ‘feedback’ from the world around you. Thanks for doing your part to continue that trend.
Watch: Newborn Winding Tutorial