Progress hard to discern amid the fog of net zero war

Ed Miliband at Cop29 in Baku
Ed Miliband at Cop29 in Baku - Murad Sezer/Reuters

Who will be the next Archbishop of Canterbury? Gary Lineker? Too pure. Sue Gray? Too expensive. Or how about the Rev Keir Starmer – a flying bishop, zipping around the world promoting the Good News of net zero.

His latest pilgrimage is to the beautiful city of Baku, Azerbaijan: a gas-guzzling, hereditary dictatorship where the president opened proceedings by describing fossil fuels as “a gift from God”.

Amen!

They call this summit Cop, aka “the cop-out”. Britain is there, with its My Little Pony lunchbox, representing just one per cent of global emissions. Countries that amount to over 50 per cent, including America and India, have declined to attend – probably because they heard Keir was speaking.

The PM told a sparse audience things of minimal global interest – Scottish Power is creating jobs in Hull – in a voice that sounds like Dot Cotton reading the gospel. Baku is welcome to him; he’s such a downer. The man hangs over Britain like the gas cloud that fogs downtown Baku, tempting even patriots to consider emigration. Valencia looks more appealing than the UK right now.

In the Commons, the news out of Cop, that Britain will impoverish itself even faster to reach an even madder carbon target, was greeted with the joy normally reserved for a colonoscopy. Labour MPs were light on attendance and enthusiasm. The minister standing in for Ed Miliband at energy questions – yes, he’s at Cop, talking to the camels – is a pink-haired vegan, and she described Britain’s climate mission as “ambitious and multilayered”.

Kerry McCarthy said: “When I head out to Cop tomorrow, you’ll be hearing more about our efforts to save the forests,” which raised a giggle. How does one save the forests by flying 2,522 miles to central Asia? I’m sure the plane isn’t fuelled by fresh air.

“The minister for nature will be out there as well,” she added, which is surely taking the St Michael.

Cop could be done over Zoom

Cop is meaningless. There’s nothing in it that couldn’t be handled over Zoom, possibly by email, yet these self-described eco-loons (I think that’s how they put it) insist on joining the junket to Baku.

On the opposition side, Tom Tugendhat began to cough. “Were you coughing at me?” asked minister Sarah Jones, a woman with a “fight in a pub car park” vibe. Tom, who may or may not have killed al-Qaeda terrorists with his bare hands, must have been terrified. Definitely not, he insisted, and the can of mace went back into Jones’s handbag.

Tories and Reformers nervously pointed out that Labour went into the last election promising to cut energy bills yet only a miracle will trigger the renewable revolution needed to do it and minister Kerry McCarthy brushed their criticisms away as a lack of ambition.

“We are continuing at pace,” he said. Does that mean fast, slow, backwards or sideways like a drunken crab?

Labour MPs in the Commons said they were proud to have stood with the miners. Starmer in Baku said he was proud to have closed the last coal mine. John McTernan on telly, a former Blair aide, said Labour should do to farmers what Thatcher did to miners. Let us pray for Britain. She is in mad hands.