Real Friends or Fake? Red Flags That Shouldn’t Be Ignored

Friends know more about you than your parents do and constantly uplift you. From work friends to friends from home, college and camp friends, you make friends everywhere you go. Unlikely friendships from places you’d least expect are more common than you’d think, too. Old friendships are deeply rooted, where your lives can take totally different paths but you remain closer than ever.

I spoke with Dr. Joanna Petrides, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, who says, “With the expansion of social media, our social circles have grown and now there’s more ways than ever to keep in touch with friends. However, this type of progress also carries the risk of setbacks and in this case we may have wider social circles but how many of those individuals can we truly lean on as a genuine friend?”

A real friend doesn't have to talk to you on a daily basis, but it’s more about what your gut tells you about the relationship. When you go months without catching up because life gets in the way, can you instantly pick right back up and talk for hours on the phone, or is it awkward and forced? Here are red flags that shouldn’t be ignored, even with your closest friends...

When you ask your friend ‘how was your weekend?’ do they flip the question back to you, or are your conversations often one-sided? The more two people share with each other, they get to know each other. But when the conversation is lopsided, you’re just becoming their sounding board instead of a friend.

Dr. Petrides tells me, “The basis of any relationship is the give and take between each other. If you’ve noticed that most of your conversations focus on the needs of just one person the majority of the time, ask yourself if this is almost always the pattern or does your friend just have a higher need for support during this time period? If it’s not a short-term behavior, you may notice yourself not looking forward to speaking with this friend or feeling emotionally drained after engaging with them because they’ve pulled on your resources but not provided anything to refuel you.”

Depending on the context of the friendship, there’s something disingenuous about a friend randomly reaching out and asking a couple of forced questions ‘catching up’ until they finally ask for a favor. It’s not that they thought of you and reached out -- it’s that they needed something for themselves, and thought of you to help them get it.

“It’s not uncommon for a ‘what are you up to’ check-in text to turn into an opportunity for your friend to seek out more from you, whether it’s information, support, or material objects. If most communications with this friend end up going beyond just catching up and having a fun conversation, this may not be the balanced friendship you thought it was,” Dr. Petrides adds.

Dr. Petrides says, “Have you ever helped your friend move to a new place only to receive a weak excuse when you ask your friend to return the favor? This level of response is deflating, isolating, and might make you question why you worked so hard to help your friend if they seemingly didn’t appreciate it. Appreciation is one of the strongest ways we can communicate how we value someone’s efforts and in close relationships it’s not always expected but absolutely valuable! Some ways we show appreciation is with a heart-felt thank you, giving a special gift to show gratitude or returning the favor. If you feel that the scales are always leaning towards you giving but never receiving, you might want to take a closer look at your friendship.”

If I know a friend is going to return a favor or simply act very appreciative, I will always be there to help them out. However, if I help them and I don’t feel the love back, I might be hesitant to go out of my way to help them the next time around.

It’s been a struggle not being able to hang out with friends in person during the pandemic. While we depend on social media and digital outlets to stay in touch more these days, it could be used to hurt us. If they’ve ‘liked’ all of your posts without actually trying to start a conversation, that’s not a budding friendship.

“Friends we meet online can be true friendships that develop and evolve over a distance, however, not every online-established friendship offers something of substance. If your interactions began and remained at the level of just commenting or reacting to social media posts, then this is more like a captive audience member than a friend. In friendships, the depth and meaning of the relationship changes over time so if you feel this friendship is frozen be sure to acknowledge it as such and enjoy the attention while it’s there,” Dr. Petrides explains.

A sign of a true friend is that you can unapologetically be yourself to them without the fear of being judged. There’s no guards up or fear of simply acting yourself.

“What does your body tell you when you're spending time with someone? If you tense up or notice your stomach cramping when you see their name come up on your phone, you might not be as comfortable around them as you think. We often ignore the physiological symptoms because we tend to carry tension in our body regularly and have adapted to it being present. If you’re carefully choosing your words, have guarded body language (arms crossed in front of you or body turned away from others), and/or your breathing is quick and shallow, these may all be signs that you don’t feel comfortable fully unwinding in front of this person,” she explains.

Dr. Petrides shares, “As they say, ‘variety is the spice of life’ and this is also true for friendships. Keeping a friendship going involves having a variety of experiences and making new memories. If you’re stuck in a pattern of doing the same thing over and over, you may have a friend that you lean on for just that specific reason and nothing further. This can be a good friendship to you as long as you are aware of its limitations and set your expectations appropriately.”

Real friends aren’t always the ones dancing alongside you at the bar, but the ones that make sure you get home safe at the end of the night.

No friendship is perfect, but life isn’t about holding grudges and it's important to remember that people do make mistakes. If your friend isn’t treating you the way you’d like to be treated, tell them. Just like romantic relationships, friends can grow and evolve. Dr. Petrides leaves me with this, “Friendships can take on a variety of forms. There is no single recipe for a friendship, rather you have to find the right friendship recipe that fits your life. That may include some friends who are touchpoints in your life and range all the way up to deep connections. As the saying goes 'it’s not about the quantity but the quality that matters.'"