Rearing a child with the TV on is not a Bing Thing — it’s just a thing

Mr and Mrs London Parents-in-Waiting have their “travel system” ready-built, their empty cot waiting, and one view on parental control app Screen Time. It’s not going to happen for my kid. My little one will grow into a toddler who won’t eat (except when Paw Patrol is on) or nap (unless In the Night Garden lulls them) and I will adapt the strict Screen Time policy — in other words, allow it to disappear into that vapour of “pre-child things”, alongside lie-ins and the concept of “just popping out”.

So, with CBeebies on full blast, you start to overthink a few things. Such as the fact Postman Pat delivers an average of one parcel per shift, and that parcel never, ever requires the red slip of doom that means a morning in a cold delivery office queue. With that pace, Pat wouldn’t pass his probation at Royal Mail.

Bing Bunny? What a narcissist. Eating is not a Bing thing, Bing. It’s just a thing. Everyone does it. Then there is Paw Patrol, which plays out like the sinister future of outsourcing. Instead of Serco winning the deal to run Adventure Bay, a child called Ryder put in a ball-busting bid that no one could compete with, because his “staff” — who run the town’s entire emergency services — are puppies.

Ryder is obviously a secret multi-millionaire, but his exploited dogs barely get doggy treats. There’s no mention of the angry unemployed firefighters and police who were replaced. I wouldn’t bet against Ryder forcing Chase to quietly take them out. At Peppa Pig’s house the whole place would collapse without Mrs Rabbit, whose 94 jobs stretch from cabin crew to dental nurse.

As for Fireman Sam — Pontypandy’s fire service is so absurdly well-resourced (“a small barbecue fire? Send rescue helicopter Wallaby!”) it’s obvious that the chair of an electorally-weak council lives there. Paperboy Norman Price should get an Asbo. Still, he makes square-eyed toddlers look good in comparison.

The dry humour needed for the job

In a world where headlines about religion tend to be bound up with extremism, it was nice to read this week of Israel naming its first Christian-Arab ambassador — to a (nominally) Muslim country. George Deek will be Israel’s new ambassador to Azerbaijan.

Of course, it shows impressive diversity — and intelligent diplomacy — but it’s mainly a very bright guy (whose speeches have an Obama-like feel) with a history of interfaith work, awarded a prestigious job. He also has an easy joke to start future speeches with: a Jewish state sends a Christian envoy to a bar in a Muslim country …

It’s the early bird that gets up at 4am

Urgh! Another one has joined the 5am club. The Duchess of Sussex apparently leaps out of bed and starts bombarding staff with ideas before sunrise.

I already knew that my inability to keep both eyes open and brain functioning at the crack of dawn meant I couldn’t be a tech entrepreneur.

Apple boss Tim Cook apparently wakes up at 3.45am — which is frankly the middle of the night — and Twitter’s Jack Dorsey sinks his first coffee by 5am.

Starbucks former chief executive Howard Schultz and Robert Iger, head of the Walt Disney Company, are two of the many, many über-early-rising suits. Their alarm clocks are set for 4.30am, apparently.

Breakfast TV anchor Susannah Reid, Piers Morgan and their fellow Good Morning Britain desk dwellers are all up well before 4am.

And now the Duchess. And there was I thinking palace life looked pretty work-free, given Kate’s seen as a busy bee for popping out to cut a ribbon about once a week.

Trampolining with caffeinated lizards

I spent Saturday at a busy Bluewater, and wondered when shopping centres will have to change their names. I was there for the opening of Dinotropolis, a huge, three-storey, dinosaur-themed soft-play centre that has the square footage of roughly 10 shops, and was packed to the rafters. I walked past long queues outside restaurants, and crowded “experience” stores such as Nespresso (free coffee?), a trampolining place and Apple.

But what happened to actually buying stuff? Bags were conspicuous by their absence. Shopping centres are now leisure centres hanging onto their old identity.