If the rules were Richard Gere and had a credit card, Sir Keir would marry them
In the good old days, prime ministers inherited their clothes. But Sir Keir Starmer is an ordinary man – son of a spanner – so stumbled into the Kensington branch of Specsavers, like a Pretty Woman waif, and asked how much some Ralph Lauren bifocals would cost.
“You can’t afford anything here,” said the ice maiden behind the counter. “I suggest you leave.” And he ran out into the street to cry…
Three months later and here he is in Italy, looking like a billion Lira, as his companion downs her fifth Aperol Spritz and blows fag ash over his plate of spaghetti. “Hey Keir, you have-a da makeover – no?”
“What can I say? I’ve met the man of my dreams. He’s tall, he’s classy and very rich.”
That man – the playboy who plucked Sir Keir out of the gutter and told him he could have all the easy-iron shirts in the store – is Lord Alli, reported to have given the Prime Minister clothes and glasses and Vic, Keir’s wife, use of a personal shopper. Alas this act of motiveless generosity has become the first, fat scandal of the Labour administration – sinking its ratings faster than David Lammy in the bath – and dogging our hero all the way to beau-tayful Roma.
At his press conference with Giorgia Meloni – Ms Meloni wearing a darling pink blazer – the Prime Minister was asked about missiles and immigration, but also “Will you carry on taking gifts from lord Alli?” The answer was straight from the Sir Keir play-book, itself a rulebook signed in triplicate. “The rules really matter,” he said, “You can all see according to the rules exactly what declarations were made. It was because of my insistence upon the rules that my team reached out to make sure that we were declaring the right way under the rules.”
If the rules were Richard Gere, and had a credit card, Sir Keir would marry them – though I don’t trust him not to cheat. This was the man who said he was loyal to the Corbyn manifesto, then dumped it. Who said the winter fuel payment should stay, then cut it. Who said Rwanda was a bad plan but now thinks Italy sending immigrants to Albania is worthy of study.
The BBC asked Ms Meloni if there are any human rights concerns about this policy. Translating her answer using my pigeon Italian intuited from several non-package type holidays near Milan, she said: “Shuddupa your face. What human rights problems? The refugees will be comfortable there but, more importantly, they won’t be over here!”
One watched her thinking, “why can’t we have a prime minister like that?” Sir Keir watched her thinking, “why can’t I have a blazer like that?”
Oh, but I’m sure he will! A few weeks later, wearing that very blazer, Clarks shoes and the latest thing from Tie Rack, he’ll stride back into that Specsavers swinging his shopping.
“Remember me?” he’ll ask the ice maiden. “I was here a while ago and you wouldn’t serve me. You work on commission, right? Big mistake! Huuuge mistake!” And he’ll flounce out the door, waggling a Primark bag in their uptight faces.