RuPaul's Drag Race recap: season 12, episode one

Drag Race is back, and there’s no point pretending to yourself or anyone else that you’re not going to watch it. Like an overzealous aunt at a wedding, it has an uncanny habit of crashing its way into your life. One minute it’s background noise burbling from your flatmate’s laptop, the next minute you’re backstage at a Brighton gay bar with a glue gun in one hand and a box of rapidly expiring butterflies in the other, Michelle Visage screaming at you that she needs the next queen in TEN SECONDS.

If you’re here, we don’t need to explain the format of the show. You know the score. There will be completely unpredictable but somehow also completely predictable twists. There will be bad puns. There will be at least one drink thrown in someone’s face. So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen and those clever enough to transcend gender – let’s go! SPOILERS AHOY.

Meet the Queens

“Here we go, sis! Y’ALL THIRSTY?” Brita is here – 15 seconds in and we’re already exhausted. She’s got so much energy. Why is she walking energetically and drinking a martini at the same time? Why did she down it and then turn the glass upside down? What’s happening? She says she’s the queen of New York City. Somewhere on the Upper East Side, Sarah Jessica Parker just threw a Manolo at the TV. Side note – the first queen into the workroom is likely to do well in the competition, because chances are she’s the one producers trust to do well in a room (or on a stage) by herself.

After Brita, with a not-at-all-stereotypical accordion soundtrack, we have Drag Race’s first ever FRENCH queen, Nicky Doll! Betty Boop styled by Jean Paul Gaultier.

Still looking for that three-eyed raven, Bran Stark? Well Widow Von’Du is wearing it! She’s next in and wants everyone to know that she spells the word “all” with four A’s, eight 0’s and three L’s. “AAAOOOOOOOOLLL.” It should really be seven 0’s actually Widow, not eight. That’s the official Oxford English spelling.

Next up it’s Jackie Cox, a “middle eastern nerd” and “queen of the cabaret scene” – what a combo! She seems sweet but very high energy, like you’d need a cup of tea and a nice sit down if you spent more than 10 minutes in her company.

Then, head-to-toe in pink zebra “leprosy print” (!) and doing a shrill tongue-flap ululation thing (!) it’s Heidi N Closet (!). God, we love this show. And we think we might be obsessed with Heidi. That could be because it’s the first week though. Come back to us in week four.

“Ahoy.” Gigi Goode stalks in and she looks fantastic. A punchy Pirates of The Caribbean look, seemingly hewn from the carpet of a small historic cinema in Canterbury. She’s polished, she’s confident and some of the other queens know her from Instagram. In reality TV show editing terms, “the threat” has arrived.

Crystal Methyd skips in next – yes, actually skips – and she’s like … she’s …she’s actually a mix of about three thousand things and there are only so many hours in the day so we’ll leave it there.

Seven queens and, so far … that’s it! As Ru reveals, we’ll be meeting the next seven in the second season 12 premiere next week. Crikey.

Minichallenge

The queens have to present spring AND fall runway looks. Whatever happened to the simpler days of a green screen, a pile of trash and the chance to look at Mike Ruiz’s arms?! Nicky Doll is “serving you nymph going to Olympus, and I’m on Zeus’ list, bitch.” RuPaul pretends she doesn’t know how to pronounce “neoprene”. No winner is announced. There’s a lot going on to be fair, they probably just forgot.

Kiki or kai kai?

In a Drag Race twist that no-one saw coming, Nicky has decided she fancies Crystal, but somehow still manages to be shady by saying “who would have thought that behind all that clown makeup was this cute twink?” Nicky also fancies Jackie. There’s a theme emerging. Speaking of Jackie, she gives viewers some great no-nonsense insight into the intersectionality and difficulties of being both Iranian and a drag queen. Bravo, Jackie!

Maxichallenge

As the girls prepare to rap in front of Nicki Minaj (gay gasp!) there is, unsurprisingly, mild to moderate tension as they work out who should choreograph. Somehow – inexplicably, preposterously, wonderfully – this all ends with Heidi N Closet being in charge of the entire dance routine. Straight to the main stage, and barely halfway through episode 1 we’re ALREADY being blasted through a catchy, customised, stream-it-on-Spotify, buy-it-on-iTunes brand new RuPaul number. She’s a millionaire for a reason.

Sissy that walk

Nicki Minaj looks like she might actually know where she is for once, as Carson Cresley bubbles over with excitement (as always). RuPaul and Michelle are discerning as ever. THE TWIST: This week, everyone’s safe (presumably until week three, where the two weakest from the two premieres will compete – again, exhausting). Instead, the two strongest – Widow and Gigi – lipsync for a cash prize of $5,000.

Lipsync for your LIFE

A drink-spillingly epic song choice in Starships. At one point, Gigi decides to simply lie motionless on the floor – the most deathly of death drops. In a way, it’s genius – apathy in its most assured and glamorous incarnation, like Lana Del Rey. Widow gives three thousand per cent and, obviously, wins.

Notes and observations

• Shadiest moment Feel the love in this opening episode. Michelle Visage’s barely-suppressed scowl at Nicki Minaj deserves a mention though.

• Catchphrase watch Heidi going “LILILILILI” with her tongue – does that count as a catchphrase?

• Animal print hunt Positively predatory at a total of TEN garments – Brita’s dress, Brita’s fascinator, Heidi’s jacket, Heidi’s skirt, Heidi’s fascinator, Heidi’s bag, Crystal’s shirt, Crystal’s neckerchief, Crystal’s rap look, Gigi’s rap look.

• Just between us squorlfriends The absence of trans contestants on Drag Race has now become uncomfortably palpable, but unlike some recent years, the season 12 cast is sweet, switched on and instantly appealing. And we’re meeting more next week! We can’t WAIT to see how this turns out.

What did you think? Who made you gag and who’s set to sashay away?