Salmond and Sturgeon’s solo acts are no joke | Kevin McKenna

It’s surely understandable when political leaders, on beginning their ascent to high office, begin also to edge further away from reality. Little by little, their inner sanctum becomes more exclusive and comprises those whose entire careers and, therefore, livelihoods depend on keeping their leader happy and on course for the ultimate accolade.

As each week passes, the Chosen One begins to exhibit traces of paranoia as he wonders who could have been responsible for leaking the details that led to that unedifying splash on today’s front pages. When it seems the entire country seems only to want to bring you down, having spent years building you up, it’s an entirely human response to seek the society of those who think you’re just the cat’s whiskers.

The ancient Romans seemed to grasp the dangers of absolute power. Perhaps this was why they chose slaves to accompany conquering generals on their victory processions and to whisper “sic transit gloria” and “memento mori” into the ears of their masters; “glory fades” and “remember you are mortal”. Theresa May seems very quickly to have succumbed to the malady of which the Romans were trying to caution their star generals. Her principal advisers appeared to have believed that the best way to secure support for May’s agenda was to treat every day as a school day… for out-of-control prefects. Your initial thoughts on hearing about the favoured methods of persuasion of Nick Timothy and Fiona Hill were that surely the prime minister had known about the dressing-down of loyal staff in her name. But if no one was telling her, how could she find out?

This was the favoured approach of Gordon Brown as chancellor and as prime minister. We now know Brown was spending most of his time in Number 11 like a prisoner of Colditz trying to dig a tunnel into Number 10. He had also gathered about himself a pack of attack dogs tasked with wiping out all internal obstacles to his Holy Grail of becoming prime minister. Their self-appointed task was to destroy the reputations of any Labour party member, no matter how senior, who was suspected of thwarting Brown’s ambitions.

Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmond haven’t yet reached the Gordon Brown stage of acute paranoia, but it’s becoming clearer by the day that each may soon require “memento mori” to be painted in big red letters on a wall in their offices. It’s also becoming clearer each day that whatever warmth that once existed between this pair seems to have evaporated. Salmond, the former first minister of Scotland who lost his Westminster seat of Gordon in June, is enjoying a sold-out run of shows entertaining audiences at the Edinburgh festival fringe. We may have to wait a few years to discover the authentic reaction of Nicola Sturgeon to the news that her predecessor, having stepped down as party leader following the independence referendum in 2014, intended to stand for Westminster the following year. On the map of political climate change, it would have been significantly south of “thrilled” and not far north of “gutted”.

So while Sturgeon braced herself for an uncomfortable few weeks as Salmond worked out his comedian fantasy, the staff reporters on every Scottish newspaper title trembled in anticipation. Salmond, an audience, anecdotes about power and politics and a stream of high-profile guests eager to appear on the hottest ticket in town. What could possibly go wrong? Again, we’ll probably have to wait a few years to learn of Sturgeon’s reaction to the news that Salmond’s first guest was to be David Davis, the UK Brexit minister.

Sturgeon has spent the best part of the last year trying in vain to secure some meaningful dialogue with the UK’s Brexit team only to have the door slammed in her face each time. Yet Salmond nonchalantly suggests a convivial conversation on a stage just round the corner from the first minister’s residence, followed by a couple of snifters at the Balmoral, and Davis is up like a shot. Bob’s your uncle.

And in the week when the SNP were unveiling their baby boxes, this year’s Big Idea, they discovered that they had to share headlines with Salmond and his unfeasibly big show. While assorted SNP ministers clucked and purred over the £160 baby boxes, aimed at helping “tackle deprivation, improve health and support parents”, Salmond was entertaining his audience with the following gag: “I promised you today we’d either have Theresa May or Nicola Sturgeon or Ruth Davidson or Melania Trump, but I couldn’t make any of these wonderful women come.” After a drum roll, Salmond added: “To the show.”

The first minister, obviously embarrassed at yet further proof that the SNP and humour just don’t mix, tried to deflect criticism of Salmond by saying effectively that this was just Alex being Alex. This, though, is what happens when you’re the former first minister of Scotland and no one is around to tell you what you need to hear, rather than what you want to hear. Salmond’s show is entertaining, I’m told, and he is a warm and witty raconteur. However, he also fancies himself as a bit of a comedian and someone needs to tell him he isn’t.

Someone should also be telling Sturgeon that sticking a couple of packets of condoms inside her baby boxes is not very clever either. Condoms are already free on the NHS, so what is she trying to say here: that poor people need to be a bit more careful in the future? Last week, the Labour MSP Monica Lennon received universal praise for launching a consultation to change the law and make female sanitary products freely available. So why were none of these products included in the baby box? For her troubles, Lennon has been treated to a curious modern Scottish phenomenon: a cavalry charge of raging SNP supporters on social media, angry because someone else is getting decent publicity.

Last week also saw a massive rise in the number of drugs-related deaths in Scotland, up more than 20% year on year. It points to an abject failure in what passes for government strategy in this area. Perhaps the baby boxes should come with a couple of clean needles.