How to solve Christmas Granimosity

From gift one-upmanship to who gets to spend Christmas Day with the grandchildren, Gransnet editor Lara Crisp on how to avoid grandparent clashes over the festive season...

“We haven't spent Christmas Day with our adult children for ten years. I would dearly love to have the big day with them. I have always been understanding about other commitments to in-law families. I even invited one set of in-laws to spend a previous Christmas with us. However, just for once, I would like my children and grandchildren just to ourselves. Am I being unreasonable?”

As editor of Gransnet, the online community for older women, I see much anxiety in the run-up to Christmas when it comes to who’s going to be spending it with the grandchildren. And by run-up to Christmas, I mean from July onwards. Watching small children empty out their stockings, marvel at Rudolf’s half-eaten carrot and cuddling up on the sofa to watch The Snowman is what Christmas is all about - and makes the 5am wake-up call worthwhile. Well, almost.

But who decides who gets the pleasure of the grandchildren at Christmas? And what if you feel you keep missing out while the ‘other grandparents’ get more than their fair share?

Less than amicable relations between maternal and paternal grandparents – or ‘granimosity’ – becomes tricky to overcome at this time of the year when everyone is trying so desperately to create the perfect Pinterest-worthy family gathering.

Mothers of sons aren’t (always) second best

The truth is in these days of increasingly complex family arrangements, children may have multiple sets of grandparents, step-grandparents and other extended family members wanting to see them, and there are only so many miles harassed parents can cover in one day.

While some mothers of sons think this means they are less important - “We are paternal grandparents and yes that means we're second in the pecking order” said one of our users recently - this isn’t necessarily the case. Many of our users say that quite often it's simply circumstance that means the maternal mother-in-law is seen more, combined with the fact that daughters tend to feel more comfortable hosting their own parents.

Even if you do all live close by, unless someone in the family happens to own a small castle with a dining hall, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to accommodate all 23 of the extended family. And in any case, do you really want that pressure? Probably not. In fact, if you press the issue you may end up losing out altogether as parents may decide it’s too much hassle trying to keep everyone happy and simply stay at home with the kids and see no one.

Is Boxing Day an acceptable consolation prize?

In situations like these, the collective wisdom on Gransnet is to give in gracefully and make the most of the time you’re given. “The best way to alienate your family is to be constantly jockeying for position," says one of our users.

Sometimes it can be better to stagger the celebrations so that you - I’m sorry, I mean the kids - don’t get over-excited and exhausted. If your allotted time happens to be on Boxing Day or even the following weekend, grit your teeth and make the most of it. Chances are the kids will be less hyper, there’ll be lots of leftovers - so less pressure on whoever’s hosting - and you can relax while they show you all their new toys. Many families alternate Christmases between the grandparents anyway, so there’s a good chance it’ll be your turn the following year.  

And what about living up to expectations when it is ‘your’ year?

After years of cajoling, negotiating, and (occasionally) the tiniest bit of emotional blackmailing, hurrah! They’re finally going to be spending Christmas with you. But what if your Christmas doesn’t live up to their expectations? Or worse, what if the ‘other grandparent’ does it better?

One Gransnet user posed a question recently about how to make sure ‘her’ Christmas with her grandsons was as special as those they’d been spending with the maternal grandparents in previous years. Advice from the forums was that you should never, EVER try to compete with the other grandparents’ way of doing things. “Celebrate Christmas as you did when your own children were little, or as near to it as you can get,” one user advised. “Your son will recognise and love the traditions. Ask in advance if there is anything that they do that is absolutely indispensable, but don't try to copy the other grandparents.”

Long-distance grandparents

Christmas is a particularly tough time to be a long-distance gran. Even though Skype and FaceTime are great ways to connect, the general excitement of Christmas Day can make your chat with them brief and chaotic, if it happens at all. Competing with new toys and adults’ determination not to burn the spuds means you’re unlikely to get a satisfactory exchange and it’ll probably leave you feeling even more excluded than before, particularly if the other grandparents are hovering in the background. Our advice is to send a jolly text on the day and schedule in a call a day or two later, when everyone has more time to talk.

On your own for Christmas?

Whether you’re on your own because you live a distance away, it’s not ‘your’ year, or you’ve chosen to spend it that way (totally acceptable too), what can you do?

1.    Rejoice that your grandchildren have other family members who love them.

2.    Make the most of having the remote control all to yourself and not being restricted to cartoons.

3.    Spoil yourself with extra special foodie treats that wouldn’t be possible or appropriate if you had a large gathering.

4. Take part in a virtual Christmas get together. Sarah Millican’s #joinme campaign is a wonderful way to connect in the festive season, as is Gransnet’s own online Christmas Party.

5. Or better yet, swap your glass of mulled wine for a strawberry daiquiri by booking a holiday somewhere sunny.

Christmas gifts: what’s important?

Seeing children open their gifts can be magical. But what if the other grandma has a bigger budget than you? Or worse, she simply likes to outdo you in the present stakes? Perhaps the other grandmother is given the wish list before you and claims that coveted special edition Lego set before you’ve got your shoes on. For some, competitive grandparenting knows no festive limits.

The consensus on Gransnet is that children see and understand more than we give them credit for and (especially when they are young) aren’t easily swayed by how much is spent on gifts. The important thing, according to one Gransnet user, is: “Don't play the game! Children are not stupid. What counts is the amount of time you spend with them, playing with them, reading to them, listening to them and understanding them. That is what makes for a good relationship.”

It’s pretty clear that it’s a rare family that doesn’t have a bit of tension when it come to arranging Christmas. But as long as there are a few compromises, it’s possible for even the most competitive grandparents to turn granimosity into goodwill. Or as one wise Gransnetter puts it: “Surely, our first concern is the happiness of our children and grandchildren, not our own place in the pecking order?”

Do you struggle with 'granimosity' at Christmas time? Or have you managed to avoid grandparent clashes over the festive season? Tell us in the comment section below.

To join the conversation log in to your Telegraph account or register for free, here.