Starmer’s emergency fire blanket is back to assure us Labour and Trump are fine and dandy

Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster Pat McFadden has a habit of appearing every time the Government's saga of ineptitude is scrutinised
Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster Pat McFadden has a habit of appearing every time the Government’s saga of ineptitude is scrutinised - Thomas Krych/Story Picture Agency

How many more times this month will the emergency “send for Pat McFadden” glass be broken in Downing Street? With a common assault related by-election looming and the effects of the Budget still wobbly at best, I suspect this won’t be the last time we see the stoic, Glaswegian Mr Magoo impersonator on the airwaves.

Mr McFadden had been wheeled out to give a defence of Labour’s track record on the newly re-elected US president. Sky News rattled off some quotes by Big Ange, Uncle Wes, Labour’s director of operations, Sophia Patel and, of course, the Sage of Tottenham himself, our Foreign Secretary, David Lammy. None of them were especially complimentary about the Donald. Did Pat McFadden regret these things being said?

As a man who seems only to speak in the form of verbal fire blankets, we can assume that McMagoo wouldn’t have been foolish enough to put himself in a position where such regret was necessary. Still, tasked once again with being the apologist for his colleagues’ rampant idiocy, he gave a classic safety ramble.

He assured Sky that the links with the US were “more important than some tweet from however many years ago”. He drew on president Trump’s Scottish mother, suggesting that a bit of tartan-washing might heal relations. I’m sure we can look forward to Mr Lammy’s first trip to the White House, laden with apology shortbread and dressed like a haggis.

On LBC, the questioning was a little more hard-ball. Still, faced by verbal machine gun fire from Nick Ferrari, Sgt McFadden valiantly plodded across No Man’s Land as if it were nothing more than a country stroll. Did he believe the president-elect has “KKK sympathies or Nazi sympathies”, Ferrari asked. “I think the relationship between Britain and America is really important,” began McFadden, “and I’m confident…”.

“That wasn’t the question though, was it, Pat?” snapped Ferrari. He tried again, to a similar stonewalling. Undaunted, Ferrari tried for a final time. “Do you think he has Nazi or KKK sympathies, Pat McFadden? Third time of asking.”

Mr McFadden replied: “I congratulate him on his win and we look forward to working with him.” Not even the Donald himself can manage this level of obfuscation. But this sort of evasive smoothing over is the special skill of Mr McFadden. Like being the man who announces a roof collapse at a clown college, his job involves explaining away the mix of comedy and tragedy that is the current Government’s saga of ineptitude.

He insisted that Sir Keir had enjoyed a “good” phone call with the Donald yesterday. We can only hope that the once and future president gathered some material for one of his infamous nicknames. What will he call him? Sir Ken? Keith? Son o’ the Tool? Dare we hope for Sir Oinky? Only time will tell. Trump may be as unpredictable as the weather but he seems to get on very well with an adenoidal lawyer from North London. But whatever happens, you can guarantee Pat MacFadden will be on hand to tell us why it’s all fine and dandy after all.