Starting Five: Celtics Win, Trump Is Stumped and Steve Bannon Skewered

John Walters

1. Minhaj a Triumph

"I would say it is an honor to do this, but that would be an alternative fact,” comedian Hasan Minhaj said by way of introduction in his address at Saturday evening’s White House Correspondents’ Association dinner. “It is not. No one wanted to do this, so of course it falls in the hands of an immigrant.”

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Minhaj killed, skewering President Donald Trump, Steve Bannon, Sean Spicer and others, including the Fourth Estate: “You guys [the media] have to be more perfect now more than ever. Because you are how the president gets his news. Not from advisers, not from experts, not from intelligence agencies. You guys. So that’s why you gotta be on your A game. You gotta be twice as good. You can’t make any mistakes. Because when one of you messes up, he blames your entire group. And now you know what it feels like to be a minority.”

2. Revenge of the Mid-Majors*


Hayward (left) and Curry have met many times before USA TODAY SPORTS

*The judges will also accept "Carry On Our Hayward Son"

As the NBA playoffs enter the second round, former Butler coach Brad Stevens has the Boston Celtics on a roll, his former Bulldog standout Gordon Hayward just led the Utah Jazz to their first postseason triumph in seven years, and the kid whose Davidson squad Butler once beat in a non-conference game, Stephen Curry, is the two-time defending NBA MVP starring for the league’s premier team, the Warriors (Hayward put up 27 in that contest, Curry 20).

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3. Forever Rest


Navesh Chitrakar

Swiss mountaineer Ueli Steck, nicknamed the “Swiss Machine” for his relentless appetite for summiting peaks, plummeted some 3,000 feet to his death this weekend in the Himalayas. Steck, 40, was training for an ascent of Mount Everest, which he scaled in 2012, without the aid of oxygen. Rule No. 1 in life: Gravity always wins.

4. Jackson Jive

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In an interview with Salena Zito of the Washington Examiner, President Trump rambled a tad about the nation’s seventh president, who passed away in 1845, and the Civil War, which began in 1861: “I mean, had Andrew Jackson been a little bit later, you wouldn't have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart. He was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War. He said, ‘There's no reason for this.’” This answer should not hurt Trump in the overall competition, as he excelled in both the evening gown and swimsuit competitions.

5. Mr. Irrelevant Is Highly Relevant


Kelly attended Ole Miss, but is he a Can't Miss? USA TODAY SPORTS

The Denver Broncos made University of Mississippi quarterback Chad Kelly the 253rd and final selection of the NFL draft, a dubious distinction that annually lands that young man the designation of Mr. Irrelevant. Except that Kelly, the nephew of Hall of Fame passer Jim Kelly, is not irrelevant. Although Kelly is notorious for his off-field problems (a social media kerfuffle with a porn star among them), he is one of only three quarterbacks in the past eight seasons to lead his team to victory at Alabama. The other two? Heisman Trophy winners Cam Newton and Johnny Manziel. Besides, if you paid attention to the NFL last season, rookie quarterbacks from the state of Mississippi who are taken in the later rounds (Dak) have a pretty decent (Prescott) track record.

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