Steve Bannon and his bedroom badinage

What with Michael Cohen being banged up and Robert Mueller soon to spill the beans of Donald Trump’s connections to Russia, US politicians also live in interesting times.

And few political beasts are more interesting than Steve Bannon, Trump’s former strategist and not someone to whom I would gladly lend my last tenner. Reflecting on Trump’s travails, he said: “The Democrats are going to weaponise the Mueller report and the president needs a team that can go to the mattresses.”

Go to the barricades I fully understand, but invoking bedding to defend a president has me stumped. Given that the Donald’s problems with where he put his, ahem, would-be presidential protuberance, it seems rather unfeeling to invoke images of the boudoir. Such a sensitive soul.

So thank heavens for Google, which elucidates that this is a reference to a line from The Godfather. Yet, given the unpleasantnesses that were highlighted in those movies, I don’t think this is going to help the presidential cause much.

Moving from Trump’s nether regions, I was much taken by a statement from Crossrail. Responding to its delayed opening, it said its chief executive, Mark Wild, and his team were “working on a robust and deliverable schedule”. Rough translation – no, we haven’t a bloody clue when the damn thing is going to open either.

For plain speaking, I refer you to Southampton FC’s new manager, Ralph Hasenhüttl. When asked about his team’s prospects, he replied: “If you want guarantees, buy a washing machine.” Attaboy - what a refreshing change from most managers (yes, José Mourinho, I do mean you). But sorry, Ralph, as a lifelong Pompey supporter, I hope after your promising introduction to the English game you fall flat on your face.

• Jonathan Bouquet is an Observer columnist