Stuck on the platform of singledom? Then enter the Tube’s tunnel of love

Still ploughing through dating apps, or taking dancing lessons to boost your “women flow” like Amazon’s Jeff Bezos? You’re wasting your time — just get on the Tube. Since Saturday I’ve seen three love affairs begin on the Victoria line. And not all of them were drunken late-night encounters.

The 3am chirpse was my favourite, though — Ben and Lily crossed paths heading north from Brixton. Ben asked how long it would take to reach Blackhorse Road. It turned out he had been at the same club as Lily — and she liked his pink Adidas trainers. Ben was a fast worker. By Oxford Circus he had Lily’s number.

When she got off (the train, not with him, come on) Ben cracked. He confided in us that he was on his way to see another woman but he wasn’t sure he liked her. The carriage provided counsel and he decided to stay with friends instead and give Lily a chance. I like to imagine them telling this story to their grandchildren.

Shamefully, my first thought was that this was an antidote to Brexit — we have more in common than the state of politics would suggest and are looking for connections. When I suggested this to a friend they arched an eyebrow and said I need to get out more. It could be a January thing — new year, new you; restarting your search for a partner by every means at your disposal.

Of course, the path to Tube love doesn’t run smooth. I was sure that Harriet was sweet on Olivier when she told him that her favourite French word was “saucisson” as their eyes met on the commute.

As was he, when he asked for her number. She is married.

Granted, there are still those you must avoid eye contact with at all times. But don’t give up, Olivier. Love is out there — a friend met his beau after she fell asleep on him on the Northern line. If nothing else, Tube romance is entertainment for the rest of the carriage (second only to reading an Evening Standard).

Laugh out loud? Not at the theatre

Despite nerves about how his Brexit jokes would go down, astute comedian James Acaster’s Cold Lasagne Hate Myself 1999 show at the Phoenix last night was hilarious. But the enjoyment of some ruined it for others. I heard a boy delivering quite a dressing down to his father at the interval. “Dad,” he implored. “Why do you have to laugh for so much longer than everybody else?”

I couldn’t hear the noise pollution but suddenly I was conscious of my own lolling. I’ve known fledgling relationships to be called off because of shrill giggles that can be heard from down the street. Be careful who you take to comedy gigs.

Let me give you a real 10-year challenge

The backlash has already begun against the “10-year challenge”, where those who think of themselves as brands share pictures taken in 2009. Good. I don’t think it deserves to be called a challenge when all you’ve done is upload two snaps of you looking delightful then and now (see those from Reese Witherspoon where you can’t tell which is from 2009).

It’s not that I’m bitter because in 2009 I had an unfortunate fringe and a penchant for bodycon American Apparel skirts. Nobody needs to see those again — I’d rather face the future and post smug pictures of what I’m doing this week.

The main difference between then and now is that in 2009 there was less need for social media challenges to distract us from everyday horrors such as Brexit and Trump. In fact, we didn’t even have smartphones. No wonder the faces we’re seeing from then look fresh and happy. The real 10-year challenge would be to recapture that freedom and happiness.

Now I can have my cake and eat grit

If cakes aren’t sweet what is the point of them? You might as well eat a carrot. But the law doesn’t agree. This week, aptly named Judge Brown ruled that health brand Pulsin’s Raw Choc Brownie snack bar is a cake and therefore exempt from VAT.

I’ve tried this so-called brownie: it’s dry, earthy and wouldn’t satisfy any craving. The judge says a rise in obesity means healthier baked goods now count as cake too.

Ludwig Wittgenstein developed the “family-resemblance” concept for situations like this — he claimed you can be related without sharing a single characteristic. This brownie is definitely the poor relation.