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If you suit a Louise Brooks bob, you’re lucky – post-Covid, it’ll be the only haircut in town

Charlize Theron - Getty
Charlize Theron - Getty

More bad news for hair owners. When they finally open the salons on July 4 (if that is indeed the date) we’re all getting a Louise Brooks bob, like it or not.

Remember how it used to work? We’d saunter into the salon, greet the stylist, plop down in the chair, moan about the traffic/Strictly result and then – addressing each other in the mirror – get down to business. She would kick it off: “So what are we doing today?” Then we would say: “Weell… I was thinking…” before basically begging her to make us look less old and drawn. Meanwhile, she would nod along patiently, before suggesting a same-as-usual, and we would agree. Simple.

Only now what’s going to happen is your stylist will recommend a bob, because a bob is, post-Covid, the most hygienic style of haircut, since it doesn’t require an extended (potentially virus-spreading) blow dry, and takes a lot less time to execute. The latest news from the salons is, the longer the hair, the bigger the risk, both for the hair owner and the people paid to deal with it. So there it is: as of Summer 2020, long hair is officially an endangered look.

Kate Middleton  -  Corbis via Getty Images/WireImage
Kate Middleton - Corbis via Getty Images/WireImage

Pretty soon it’s going to be a luxury only the rich – with live-in housekeepers proficient in haircare – can afford and it will start to look a bit “tone deaf”, like posting sunset Instagrams from your lockdown yacht. Really long, luxurious hair – as worn by the twins Liz and Damian Hurley – may quickly become a symbol of pampered indifference. We will look back on all that lovingly straightened and smoothed and volumised long hair and think “Wow, that looks about as modern as Melania Trump’s crisis zone 4½in heels”.

That’s not to say the bob news isn’t a disaster for most of us. Clearly there are sound practical reasons for it. As it is, hairdressers are going to be working all hours to deal with the backlog, never mind slaving over the Rapunzels. But look. It’s well known that a bob – even a longish bob – is a hairstyle that flatters about as many women as a Rosemary’s Baby pixie cut does, and for the rest it’s as ageing as grey chin hairs.

There’s a reason why the news that eight out of 10 hairdressers now prefer to work with bobs has been illustrated with a picture of Charlize Theron. For the actress is one of a mere handful of women who look OK (note not necessarily her best) with a bob. The women who suit a bob best of all make up a very small club indeed: we can think of Anna Wintour, Michelle Obama, Maisie Williams and Kaia Gerber. That’s it.

And the real point is, the ladies with long hair are the last people in the world who are going to suit a bob. We’re talking about Jerry Hall; Nigella; the Duchesses of Sussex and Cambridge, women for whom getting a bob would be as appealing as putting on three stone. Worrying times.

Is it just me...

Anne Marie Duff - Ray Burmiston/BBC
Anne Marie Duff - Ray Burmiston/BBC

Who was very glad to see Anne-Marie Duff back on our screens this week in the BBC One drama The Salisbury Poisonings? She’s a terrific actress and furthermore a woman of 49 who looks like a woman of 49 – with multiple responsibilities and deadlines to juggle and neither the money, nor the time, nor the inclination to have a face full of fillers and two hours of weight training every day. It’s not often you don’t notice what the lead female character is wearing, or her hair, or her in-bed make-up (the policeman’s wife is another matter). It’s refreshing.

Is it just me...

Paul Hollywood - Mark Bourdillion/Getty Images
Paul Hollywood - Mark Bourdillion/Getty Images

To note that Paul Hollywood has trademarked his name and feel moved to offer him some advice? He’s talking about expanding his empire to include a kitchen range and restaurants, which makes sense, but we’d be wary of getting involved in any of the following: bed linen (even Kylie is doing bed linen now); wine/beer (he met his last two partners in pubs); sunglasses (Hollywood likes sunnies, but why cover up his biggest asset?); aftershave (mind you, Hollywood is a good name for a cologne; you could put an Oscar on the front wearing an apron). See how it happens?