Tam Cowan: "Cup final, you say? I know just the Stevie to kirk-start the Euros"

ZSA Zsa Gabor, Bela Lugosi, Franz Liszt, ehhh, the bloke who invented the Rubik’s cube… your boys took a helluva beating!

It’s a hard task trying to rattle off the names of famous folk from Hungary and I can only hope and pray that beating their national football team tomorrow will be a little bit easier.

I’ve got a bit of advice for Stevie Clarke. This game has rightly been billed as a cup final, right?

And what was the greatest cup final in the history of Scottish football? Correct – Motherwell’s 4-3 thriller against Dundee United
in 1991.

So come on, boss, get Stevie Kirk on the next plane to Germany!

The objective in Stuttgart tomorrow is dead simple: beat Hungary and we’ll get out of the group.

However, as a wise old Scotland fan – Narey’s Toepoker – pointed out on social media: “Just like beat Croatia/beat Moro-cco/draw with Brazil/beat 10-man Uruguay/beat the USSR/beat Holland by enough goals/beat Yugoslavia (delete as applicable) and we’ll get out of the group…”

It’s never easy, is it?

And listen, while the 1-1 draw with Switzerland has rekindled our optimism, I can’t be the only one STILL having Vietnam-style flashbacks about those terrifying events in Munich last Friday.

In fairness, the 5-1 thrashing was nothing to be ashamed of. Germany looked so powerful that, over in Group D, it was rumoured that France had surrendered.

Tell you what, though, if we’d defended like that from 1939-45, I would be writing this column in German.

If there’s one thing we love in Scotland it’s a good, old-fashioned scapegoat. So I’m going to blame that embarrassing pumping on the young Scotland fan who, in a live segment on Sky News, leaned into the microphone and yelled: “F*** Germany!!!”

You did their team talk for them, ya wee bugger! As a result of that Munich mauling, we were understandably all nervous wrecks going into the Switzerland game.

Squeaky bum time? Pah! Not even close.

As one Off The Ball listener brilliantly put it on our post-match programme: “I feel as if I’ve just had Cologne-ic irrigation…”

The goal from Scott McTominay (aye right, clearly nobody at Uefa had a tenner on “first scorer – OG”) was epic.

As my stand-up comedy chum and OTB regular Ray Bradshaw tweeted: “If you want an idea of how good that goal was in the stadium, everyone around me is covered in beer that cost seven euros a pint!”

Talking of money, I don’t mind telling you the Euros have been a good earner for yours truly.

You see, folks, while every other employee at BBC Scotland bagged a trip to Germany, me and Cosgrove have been moonlighting as security guards and looking after the deserted building for £9.50 an hour.

(“Meow!” - Ed.)

No cashflow problems for my fellow BBC presenter Gary Lineker – the man who apparently runs the BBC – as he signed a sponsorship deal with Next and has apparently been wearing their merchandise in front of the cameras.

Inspired by that cheeky, jug-eared chancer, I can tell you I’ve also agreed a deal with Next.

Not the High Street clothing chain. Nope, it’s the funeral parlour in Girvan…

Seriously, though, a lot of punters thought we WERE in Germany.

Alas, the frail old guy being ushered through the square in Cologne by two brolly-wielding members of the Tartan Army WASN’T
Mr Cosgrove…

Lots of famous celebrities have been spotted at the Euros – Lorraine Kelly, David Coulthard, Martin Compston, Sir Alex Ferguson,
etc, etc.

For a minute, I thought I’d also clocked the boys from Right Said Fred. Turns out it was John Swinney and Stephen Flynn.

By the way, dear reader, following news of Scotland’s first “nan zone” being set up to allow the elderly to enjoy the Euros with their pals, is it true there was a sudden keen interest in our campaign from Wayne Rooney…?

PS. Staying with football, it’s impossible to mention the host city for Scotland’s 1-1 draw on Wednesday night without reminding you that former England international player Michael Owen once launched his own aftershave.

He called it My Cologne…

To be honest, though, I still prefer the official St Johnstone FC scent – Max Tractor.