Tam Cowan: All that glitters is litter... and I'd gift wrap the Chopper too
Let's start with a wee message for all you insomniacs… only two more sleeps until Christmas! Yes, folks, whether you like it or not, Christmas is just around the corner. If you don’t believe me, just look at all the Easter eggs on supermarket shelves…
And here’s some early, important advice. The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents has warned that lithium button batteries – common in Christmas gifts – can prove fatal if swallowed. On a lighter note, my mate’s wife accidentally swallowed a couple of Duracells last week – and now she goes like a bunny.
Who’d be your dream guest for Christmas dinner? Well, according to a survey this week, No1 on the list is Sir David Attenborough. Nah, I’d personally nominate Victoria Beckham, just so I’d get extra turkey and roast totties.
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At this time of year, I always have a couple of festive queries about so-called PC World. Will they be open on Black Friday? And are they allowed to play White Christmas?
With zero apologies for the bah-humbug routine, can I tell you the No1 thing I HATE about Christmas? At the risk of sounding like an over-stressed BBC4 editor working on repeats of Top of the Pops, I feckin’ HATE glitter…!
Quite frankly, I’d sooner open a letter bomb than a Christmas card coated in the sparkly stuff and I think it should be banned. I’ve still got traces of glitter on my fingertips from Christmas morning in 1976.
I’ve had a lifelong aversion to the stuff (ask anyone who knows me) and I don’t care if this offends any friends, family or relatives – if I open a Christmas card and detect one little glimmer of glitter, I won’t even read the message before chucking it straight in the bin. And that might explain, Mrs C, why you think we only received three cards last year…
We could also ban wrapping paper. Why? According to another report, one in two Brits say they would happily receive unwrapped gifts this year to cut the amount of waste produced.
I’ve never understood why we wrap Xmas presents in the first place. Even when it was covered in three layers of paper, I always knew EXACTLY what I’d got from Santa. The Broons or Oor Wullie annual was dead easy to spot.
One quick shake of a telescopic tube revealed either Smarties or Jelly Tots. And why did ANY parents bother putting wrapping paper on a bike? “Oh, what a surprise, a Chopper! I thought it was a pair of goalie gloves…”
By the way, dear reader, have you ever wondered what started the tradition of putting a fairy on top of the Christmas tree? Well, a long, long time ago – on a busy Xmas Eve just before midnight – one of the fairies apparently asked a totally knackered Mr Claus: “Haw, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?” The rest, as they say, is history…
There is, however, another mystery which I’d like someone to clear up. When the Three Wise Men brought gifts to the baby Jesus, were they for his birthday or Christmas?
Here’s something I do know. When Jesus was out with the boys one night, he left the inn door open and the barmaid shouted: “Haw! Were you born in a stable?” And JC replied: “Well, actually…”
PS. Christmas 2035. The way technology is going, that’s when we’ll be able to say: “Alexa, cook my Christmas dinner…”
PPS. If you miss your bins being emptied over the festive period, here’s a top tip from your Uncle Tam. Leave your bags of rubbish outside a charity shop and passers-by will think you’re doing a good turn.
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