The Top Ten: More Moose Allain Jokes

John Rentoul

I am away this week, so I leave you, as I did last year, with a collection of jokes from Moose Allain, one of the best cartoonists and wits of Twitter. Follow him. Visit his website. Buy his stuff. Including his book, I Wonder What I'm Thinking About?

1. Flattery – telling someone they’re good at ironing.

2. I’ve installed a surveillance camera in a gym for aliens. I’ll let you know how things work out.

3. My nephew wants to study English literature at university but has been told he needs two Bs or not two Bs.

4. Some people say that a slight bow is the best way to indicate assent, and I’m inclined to agree.

5. A dog pound is about 14p.

6. Murphy's Law states that if something kangaroo it willgaroo.

7. ‏What idiot called them London landlords and not capital letters?

8. I saw a couple on Exmouth seafront having a stand up row this morning – or paddle boarding as it’s usually known.

9. My iPhone is running out. What I need now is someone to come to my rescue on a white charger.

10. I’m off to see an inaccupuncturist. They throw the needles at you from the other side of the room.

I have collected more Twitter jokes, including more of Moose’s, here and here.

Next week: Useless Words, such as guesstimate, listicle and neoliberal

Coming soon: Misattributed Quotations, such as Albert Einstein, who never said or wrote, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

The e-book of Listellany: A Miscellany of Very British Top Tens, From Politics to Pop is just £3.79. Your suggestions, and ideas for future Top 10s, in the comments please, or to me on Twitter, or by email to