Tory benches empty for Failing Grayling's defence - maybe the trains were late

Almost inevitably the start of the debate was delayed. For once, though, no blame could be attached to the transport secretary, Chris Grayling. Rather the fault lay with the prime minister, who had managed to remember she had promised to allow the medicinal use of cannabis just a day after she had remembered promising the exact opposite. Whatever drugs Theresa May is taking, her doctors don’t appear to have found the right dosage. Either the meds are working rather too well or not at all. Her confusion is now total.

Once the prime minister’s indecision was resolved for a few hours – or the foreseeable future as Tory MPs have come to think of it – Labour were free to begin their no confidence motion in Failing Grayling. The shadow transport secretary, Andy McDonald, read out the charge sheet. Gross incompetence. Dereliction of duty. Every train in the country running late. Rail prices increasing three times faster than wages since 2010.

“I don’t want to personalise the issue,” said McDonald. But somehow he couldn’t help himself. The goal was just too open. Better people than him had spent years searching for something that Grayling could do – if not well, then at least mediocrely – and they had all failed. So there was nothing for it. If the transport secretary stayed in place a day longer then the country would grind to a halt. Failing Grayling had to go. The nickname that started life in a sketch more than two years ago is now widely used by MPs from both parties.

Even before he got up to reply, Grayling looked to be a mess of nervous tics. His cheek wobbled and pulsed uncontrollably and beads of sweat lined his forehead. If the government really was serious about improving the nation’s mental health it would have set the transport secretary free long ago. Then Grayling made a fatal error. He looked round to see there were just nine Tory backbenchers in the Commons to express their confidence in him. Two of whom were heading for the exit as they realised they had somewhere better to be.

Failing Grayling pressed on regardless. The problems on the trains weren’t his fault. They were someone else’s. He didn’t know quite whose but when he found out he would be happy to update the house. And the situation had stabilised over the last two weeks. As in, when you’re flatlining it’s hard for things to get much worse.

“It can’t happen again,” he said. A sentiment that was voiced as more of a desperate plea to a higher power than a promise. Two Tories, Michael Fallon and Maria Miller, rose to make interventions. Grayling fell on them gratefully. This was his second fatal error as it turned out they were only paying lip service to his abilities as a minister and what they really wanted was to moan about the rail disruption in their own constituencies. Once both Fallon and Miller had had their say, they both scarpered with indecent haste.

With a couple of other Tories also remembering subsequent engagements, that just left three Tories to speak up for Grayling. Not that he got to hear them as he too had to leave the chamber for a lie down. Steve Double congratulated him on managing to run a couple of trains to Cornwall on time and agreeing to dig up Stonehenge, Bim Afolami used the occasion to promote his own private members’ bill and it was left to Huw Merriman to come up with an unusual line of defence. There was no point sacking Grayling as the Tories didn’t have anyone better to replace him.

As there were now no Tories left in the building with a good – or any – word to say, the last 40 minutes of the debate were handed over to opposition MPs cataloguing Failing Grayling’s Failings. Eventually it was left to rail minister, Jo Johnson, to sum up. He sounded like a junior barrister offering mitigation for a serial offender. His boss had a heart of gold. Wouldn’t hurt a fly. Deserved a second chance.

To round off a surreal session, the lifts in Westminster broke down as MPs came to vote. There really is no bit of the transport system Grayling can get right. But he still survived in post by 305 votes to 285. Even if his colleagues weren’t prepared to speak up for him, they weren’t yet ready to see him go.