For a Tory like me, this general election is a rare treat – but I do have a radical suggestion for desperate lefties

For a Conservative like me, this election will be a rare treat. There are no guarantees in modern democracy, but this is as close you get politically to being 4-0 up in the Ashes series with one to play.

The security of a big lead gives you clarity on what the opponents are doing wrong. The left are just like the England cricket team of the nineties: each knee-jerk reaction to defeat only exacerbating the problems.

They’ve been reduced to moaning about an election they provoked by continually chiding Theresa May for not having a mandate.

Well she finally bit, and in an act of Danny Dyer-esque bravado stood outside the steps of Number 10 effectively saying: “Jeremy’s been larging it, Nicola’s been giving it all the bunny, and that Tim Farron’s had plenty to say for himself. Well COME ON THEN YOU MUGS.”

May was right to call it, not least because it frees her from the manifesto pledges of her predecessors. It turns out George Osborne’s “everybody do six jobs” wasn’t an actual economic plan.

The real reason the left are moaning is because this general election presents them with an awful dilemma: vote for a Labour party you don’t really believe in or for the Liberal Democrats who, only two years ago, you declared to be Satan’s henchmen.

The flapping about has been hysterical. The great Lib Dem revival lasted all of one day until we were reminded that their leader isn’t that democratic when it comes to Brexit or that liberal-minded when it comes to gays.

Then the talk was of a rainbow minority coalition, with a Labour party at the helm that doesn’t even know what shade of red it is.

Vote-swapping is a nice idea, but it’s also a sign of desperation.

It’ll make you feel better temporarily but ultimately won’t achieve anything; it’s the political equivalent of reiki.

Knowing full well their respective parties aren’t in a position to govern, the opposition will focus on old stereotypes about the Tories. To be honest, following the EU debate, I’m relieved. I can go back from being “stupid and racist” to a mere “selfish and evil”.

The problem with “evil” is it sits at the extreme end of a spectrum. If the Tories are evil, then what were the Nazis? (Whatever you do, lefties, don’t ask Ken Livingstone). Once middle-of-the-road floating voters feel you’re being hyperbolic or emotive with language, they shut down to whatever you say next. You might get a solid 12 likes on your Facebook page for predicting a dystopian Tory apocalypse – but currently there’s no emoji reaction for “You’re being a bit dramatic”.

May will get a lot of stick for not doing the leadership debates. To be honest, I’d happily be spared the leadership debates full-stop. The line-up isn’t looking great this year. It’s like Glastonbury where the Pyramid stage is being headlined by McBusted and Union J. And with the rapid diminution of terrestrial TV audiences, it may well be that Theresa May’s plan of going door to door instead will ultimately reach a bigger audience.

You’ll also hear the familiar sound of English liberals eulogising about Nicola Sturgeon, venerating the exact kind of single-minded nationalism they hate to hear down south. I think Sturgeon could lose ground this campaign as people weary of her tunnel vision. She’s already said this election is a great time to push the case for Scottish independence. But she thinks that about everything, up to and including the unmasking of the Broadchurch attacker.

I suspect that for all the talk of mutiny, the Labour mentality is so tribal that a lot of people considering other options will end up voting for them anyway. It’ll all come down to a bloody-minded nod to tradition rather than the strong reservations they’ve talked about non-stop for the last two years. They’re admittedly worried that 25 per cent is low but it could get worse. I suspect Comrade Corbyn won’t rest until the swing-o-meter looks like the Countdown clock.

Labour fear being reduced to rubble, but parliamentary evidence suggests this might not be the worst thing. The SNP are the true opposition with 56 seats. The Lib Dems are doing their “grinding” on nine. Ukip have zero MPs and you can’t get them off the box.

What Labour really need to do is to focus on a single issue to the exclusion of all else. Only then will people once again actually care one iota about what their confused-looking representative is saying on Question Time.

But it’s not all doom and gloom for the lefties. Given the lack of the lack of marginal seats, the Tory majority might not be as big as people think.

As much as I don’t want it to happen, it would be undeniably hilarious if all the ball-ache of an election campaign resulted in an increased majority of one. The spoils of electoral war being some fresh-faced Tory nerd who now speaks for the people of Ealing Central would make for excellent comedic material.

But I have a truly radical proposition for lefties. The Conservatives are clearly going to win so why not… vote Tory? It’s been a while since you guys felt what it was like to back the right horse.

Do the dirty deed – then go back to sorting out the mess of the Labour Party with the confidence of a win under your belt.

Geoff Norcott will tour his show 'Conswervative' until 16 June 2017