'Forget the US election result, imagine sitting through the TV coverage last night'

Well, if you woke up to that US election result and were stunned, imagine being awake through it.

With the polling as close as what had been predicted, but increasingly heading in Donald Trump’s direction until his eventual predicted win, watching the coverage last night was a growing, gnawing, consistent level of existential dread, as you flicked between men on different networks zooming into a screen showing blobs of grey slowly turning red.

Let me just say that it is very confusing that in a UK election ‘blue’ is right wing and ‘red’ is left wing, and in America it is the other way round.

The vibe initially felt like 2020, where it looked twice like going to Trump before it ultimately went in Joe Biden’s direction, to a slow realisation that it was in fact another 2016.

Channel 4

Still, there were moments. Channel 4’s coverage continued what they did for the UK election earlier this year: collating a lot of people who wouldn’t ever get on at a family meal and then locking the door with them inside and throwing away the key.

This year Emily Maitlis and Krishnan Guru-Murthy invited former PM Boris Johnson, the former adult film star Stormy Daniels and former White House press secretary Sean Spicer. All of them appeared over the space of half an hour.

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Within the first five minutes, Boris had plugged his own book several times and held it up to the camera.

"It’s so cheap," said an aghast Guru-Murthy. "Put it away."

Then when grilled by Maitlis about whether Johnson was heading towards his own political comeback, he tried to swerve and asked why the conversation wasn’t about the US election, to which Maitlis responded “because you’re not actually answering a single question”.

It got weirder still. Johnson was then sat next to Stormy Daniels (you need to hear Guru-Murthy's introduction to believe it), in a split screen with Brian Cox (Succession, not the space one) and all of them acted as if they didn’t want the other person to be there. With Cox positioned in a split screen, it felt like a Gogglebox from hell.

And as the evening went on the guest list that Channel 4 touted became all the more surreal, including Grayson Perry and Rufus Wainwright. Were they the only people who were available? The only ones who answered their phones at that time of night? We will never know.

And the other UK networks…

Initially, it felt like a risk for the BBC to have Caitriona Perry and Sumi Somaskanda present its US election coverage, simply because as these anchors usually host overnight for US viewers; many British viewers don’t know who they are.

However, having them steer it, rather than throwing in a familiar news anchor, was a great idea as they felt right at home and were able to guide us through the results with such confidence.

But oh boy, the BBC love the colour purple. They also love squeezing the news into a little box, whilst showing us live shots from within counting stations, which is just as exciting to read in this article as it was to watch on the screen.

Sky also provided a slick broadcast, with Lewis Goodall quickly following the footsteps of Peter Snow, spitballing facts and analysis with ease, and alongside Mark Austin co-anchor Yalda Hakim becoming a major star for the network. Her departure was quite a loss for the BBC, and quite a coup for Sky.

Hakim's bold opening gambit — "Harris, the first Black woman to run. Trump, the first convicted felon" — was one for the ages.

And tuning into ITV, imagine knowing 15 years ago that Sarah Palin would end up providing commentary on an ITV election programme, but here she was, providing views over here probably because they’re not that interested in her views over there any more.

CNN

Tuning into the rest of the United States, CNN’s overall presentation was sorry wait a sec – "KEY RACE ALERT" – sorry I got interrupted there for a second. CNN’s presentation was really quite interes.... – "STANDBY FOR PROJECTION" – and I said I think [gets increasingly drowned out by the sound of the CNN Election Night theme music].

Perhaps a sign that things were going bad for Harris was when they flicked away from a eerily quiet Harris event to a Trump event where revellers were dancing to Village People’s YMCA. The reason to tune into CNN was not just the sense of occasion / despair: it was for John King in front of his ‘Magic Wall’. It was like having a map rolled out and enthusiastically analysed for you by your favourite uncle.

You constantly wondered how on earth one man is able to have so much knowledge about precincts you’ve never heard of in counties you’ve never been to in states you wouldn’t be able to accurately point on a map. He was able to seamlessly riff between different states and races for up to 15 minutes at a time, without a stumble. John King made it all look effortless.

Meanwhile on the network MSNBC, one of their draws is the national political correspondent Steve Kornacki, with his puppy dog enthusiasm, so much so that for the night of coverage they had a YouTube Kornacki Cam, where you could see what he was doing even when the cameras were not on him. Hilariously, British viewers are unable to watch MSNBC coverage, so for many Kornacki Cam was the only way we were able to see him.

Prime Video

Yep, Prime had their own offering, with former NBC Nightly News and MSNBC host Brian Williams hosting from a studio so big it felt as if we were watching it from inside the Las Vegas Sphere.

“I've been in mountain ranges smaller than that studio!,” one person responded to me on Twitter when I posted a nauseating video from the start of the programme.

The presentation was stunning, and at times disorientating and Williams was a great host. A lot of panellists and contributors were those you may have seen on other networks, but watching their coverage you sort of kept wondering what exactly was it for.

Was this Prime Video aiming to step into the news business? Was it just to make them feel involved in a historical election? Or were they just splashing that they have got a lot of cash and a big studio?

And now… your moment of zen

Perhaps the final word goes to Jon Stewart, who recorded a live episode of The Daily Show as it became evident that Trump had won the whole thing.

“My point is this. F***!”

"We're all going to have to wake up tomorrow morning and work like hell to move the world to the place that we prefer it to be."

And on that note, I’m going back to bed again.