Vanderpump Rules' Ariana Madix Opens Up About Her Suicidal Thoughts: 'I Want to Leave My Life'

Michele Corriston

Ariana Madix is in a dark place in this week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules.

Because her boyfriend Tom Sandoval fails to quickly apologize to Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright for suggesting they ignored evidence of their pastor’s homophobic comments, he is stripped of best-man duties and banned from the couple’s Kentucky wedding. Ariana, who is supposed to be a bridesmaid in one week, is torn over whether she should still attend.

“I just wish you guys would actually roll over right now, and just say I’m sorry without a but,” Stassi Schroeder advises one night at Tom Tom. “I feel like they would be relieved.”

RELATED: Vanderpump Rules: Ariana Madix Reveals She Has Been Depressed ‘for a Very Long Time’

Lala Kent posits that Ariana doesn’t seem to want to be part of the cast’s “dysfunctional family” anymore. “I don’t feel like you enjoy us very much,” she says.

“I don’t enjoy most things very much, but you guys don’t know that because we don’t talk one-on-one,” Ariana replies. “I’m considering driving off the f—ing freeway bridge when I’m driving home at night. I don’t talk to you guys about that stuff … because it’s not safe. It’s not safe.”

A montage of people referring to her as a “Debbie downer” and “wet blanket” plays.

Both Lala and Stassi say they are sorry for Ariana’s struggles and have experienced depression themselves, offering to be there for her whenever she needs. “I had no idea that these were her thoughts, or else I would have done something about this,” Lala says in a confessional.

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“I will be so f—ing miserable at that wedding without Tom that I’ll literally probably ruin it because I’m so emotionally unstable,” Ariana explains.

She breaks down further once she leaves their table and finds Tom, who explains that he had sent Jax a conciliatory text.

“You’re too good of a person. Tom, I just, I’m sorry, I’m getting like heated and angry right now, but honestly, I just want to f—ing get in my car and drive away and never come back and never see anyone,” she confesses, tears streaming down her face. “And just like start a new life on a f—ing olive farm or something, I don’t know.”

“I know that feeling,” Tom says.

“No, you don’t know that feeling, because I have it every day,” she replies. “I love you so much, but Tom, I’m telling you, I want to leave my life. I want to leave my life.”

“I have seen Ariana this low before, but it is very rare,” Tom says in a confessional. “It obviously weighs on me a lot, because I love her so much and I want to see her happy, and I want to do everything I can, but sometimes I feel powerless.”

Vanderpump Rules airs Tuesdays (9 p.m. ET) on Bravo.

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org.