This week in the Herald Diary: What a Carry On naming shopping centres

John Bruce, who spotted this sign, says he wouldn’t recommend munching one of those tobacco sandwiches. “Very unhealthy,” he adds. “Bread is packed with all those calories, after all.”
John Bruce, who spotted this sign, says he wouldn’t recommend munching one of those tobacco sandwiches. “Very unhealthy,” he adds. “Bread is packed with all those calories, after all.”

James the second

ON social media a Falkirk fellow recalls a colleague in Edinburgh who was once asked by an American tourist where he could buy stamps.

"There's a post office in the St James Centre," explained the local chap.

"What?” replied the stunned tourist. “You named a shopping centre after Sid James?"

Brought to book

POLEMICIST Douglas Murray is in a frustrated mood. The London-based writer, whose dad hails from Lewis, has a new book coming out, a hard-hitting piece of extended journalism titled: The War On The West: How to Prevail in the Age of Unreason.

Alas, this stern critique of today’s society is proving less popular than a rival weighty tome.

“This is getting personal,” harrumphs Douglas. “My forthcoming book is getting beaten on Amazon by someone who’s written about a rabbit that isn’t even theirs.”

And the title of the book that is bashing Murray’s masterpiece? That’s Not My Bunny… Its Tail Is Too Fluffy.

Face facts

WITH Elon Musk threatening to buy Twitter, social media is the place to make a buck. Entrepreneurial reader Malcolm Boyd says: “I’ve a great idea for a site where you can talk about all your friends. I’m calling it Two-FacedBook.”

Leap of faith

HERALD writer Alison Rowat recently wrote an article about Boris Johnson, headed "With one bound and a fine he is free".

William Watson from Carstairs reasonably says: “What else could we expect from a bounder?”

Name game

FOLLOWERS of French politics will be aware of the concerning mainstreaming of extremist ideology. Reader David Donaldson notes that the head of the country’s television channel, TV5Monde, is no fan of the nation’s far-right politician, Marine Le Pen. Though the unfortunate broadcasting mogul has a rather embarrassing name for one who stands firmly against Marine and her minions.

His name is Yves Bigot.

Mystified moggie

I INFORMED my cat I was going to teach him to speak English,” says reader Jenny Miller. “He looked at me and said: ‘Me? How?’”

Facing the future

THE easing of face mask requirements arrived in Scotland this week, which will come as a relief to Nicola Sturgeon, as it will no longer be possible for sneaky snappers to take photos of our glorious leader when she’s out and about, breaking her own rules.

Though the end of masking poses a problem for others, including reader Darren Barrie, who says: “I still have five boxes of disposable face masks in the garage which I’m wondering what to do with.”

Darren adds: “My10-year-old daughter has the best suggestion. She wants to use them as teeny-tiny hammocks, so her pet gerbils can have a relaxing summer, chilling out in the garden.”

Toned down

THOUGHT for the day from reader Elaine Roberts, who says: “Phones are getting smarter and thinner. The opposite is true of their owners.”

Boozy bibliophiles

“I’VE recently joined a book club for hardened drinkers,” says reader Grant Hamilton. “We’re starting off with Tequila Mockingbird.”

Certifiable

A DIARY yarn about finding gainful employment reminds Stevie Campbell from Hamilton of a neighbour who attended a job interview. This chap was asked if he’d received any certificates from his former school.

"Only wan," he said.

“And what was the subject matter?” enquired the interviewer.

"Leaving," said the chap.

Currying favour

GENEROUS Nicola Barnes from Cumbernauld would love to tell Diary readers her secret recipe for Indian flatbread. “But first,” she warns, “everyone will have to sign a naan-disclosure agreement.”

Mind your language

AVID collector of malapropisms, Iain Colvin from Bridge of Weir, has heard some classics in his dealings with family, friends and colleagues. One favourite is “We’re singing from the same spreadsheet.”

And Tom Law recalls a boss being nonplussed by his company’s decision to bend organisational rules.

This miffed manager reckoned his firm was “Skating on thin water.”

Mystery metropolis

“EVERYONE knows where the Big Apple is,” points out reader Jason Cook. “Less people know where Minneapolis.”

Bite on flight

Highland fling

LOTTIE Fyfe, an editor for a London publisher, is in a Mills & Boonish mood, revealing that she has retreated to the “Wild Highlands”, and plans on taking her cat to the vet. “If every romantic novel ever is anything to go by, I expect to meet a devastatingly attractive man, unattached and haunted by a darkly tragic yet unsinister past,” lilts Lottie, (perhaps a tad optimistically).

Hair-raising

“I ASKED my hairdresser if she’d ever given a henna rinse,” says reader Anne Caulfield. “She said no, but she had bathed her pet dog.”

* Read Lorne Jackson's Diary in The Herald every day