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Welcome to the Great NHS Experience. Your druid surgeons await you

Welcome everybody, my name is Claire and I will be your rep on this Great NHS Experience, Britain’s leading provider of health tourism, combining visits to the country’s historic landmarks with medical treatment for people from outside the EU.

Those of you who booked the hip replacement package should now hobble on to Coach B and my colleague, Brian, will escort you to Stonehenge where you will be operated on by our Druid-style surgeons among the ancient, sacred stones.

The rest of us will be leaving shortly on Coach A. Just a few words about our itinerary; we will be driving through picturesque countryside to one of England’s great stately hospitals, not far from Stratford-upon-Avon. St Veronica’s has been in the NHS for countless generations and you will have a chance to admire the famous car park laid out by Competency Brown.

Legend has it that Queen Elizabeth I stayed overnight at St Veronica’s on her way to visit William Shakespeare in Anne Hathaway’s cottage. We will show you the actual trolley that she slept on, in the very corridor outside A&E, now known as the Royal Corridor. It is lined with portraits of great NHS Trust chief executives going back in time. 

And, you will be interested to hear that St Veronica’s is haunted; after 16 hours on duty, some junior doctors swear they have seen the blurred figure of a bygone ward sister pacing up and down outside ENT obsessively rubbing her hands with antiseptic gel.

After your surgery you may wish to sample the pageantry of the Changing of the Anaesthetists, or enjoy singing traditional ballads with the crowd in A&E. There’s also a Medieval Feast, served by volunteer wenches and consisting of mince and tinned carrots, as enjoyed in those days. (There is an additional charge for this.)

When you are discharged, don’t forget to visit our shop where you can purchase a stylish souvenir hospital gown. Now, I invite you to have your debit cards ready for the ceremony of the entering of the PIN. 

Borebots

Clever people at MIT have invented a gizmo that tells you when you are boring. Actually, I have created something much better; it is a robot that attracts bores to itself, so that other people are not bothered by them. It is programmed to utter phrases such as, “Gosh, that’s a real bargain” and “The M40? Really?” and “That sounds like a great place for a holiday”. It can also be set in nodding mode, simply alternating between “Really?” and “I see”. It can also emit vague sympathetic noises when it detects that the other person is talking about a bad knee, a nasty cough or some other minor ailment.

You can set it to ask questions, such as “You support Arsenal, don’t you?”, or “What else can your new phone do?” You can make your own selection of the questions it asks. Mine inquires how the other person’s builders are getting on, how the new novel is progressing and how he manages to keep so fit. If you have the deluxe version you can even get it to join in a conversation about Brexit  without dangerously overheating.

We still have one glitch to iron out. We did do one test run in which two robots were present. They spent the whole evening together, chatting happily and, after everyone else had left, they were still there, boring the circuits off each other.

Support Our Embarrassed Footballers

I am well known for my tireless work for charity. After a successful career I wanted to give something back, so I founded Bright Eyes. I know the heartbreak felt when a beloved family pet falls ill, so this charity helps by paying the vets’ bills for members of the Honours Scrutiny Committee when their dog or cat or much-loved pony needs treatment.

I recently organised a successful charity ball on behalf of another cause, which is very dear to my heart and this one is known as Stocos, short for Sunshine Tours for Cabinet Office Staff. Those hard-working people need to get out for a breath of fresh air from time to time, so we raise money for them to go to places, such as Nice or Barcelona, where they can unwind a little.

You may also have spotted me in last year’s London Marathon, dressed as a Duchy Original biscuit to raise money in support of orphans in the Duchy of Cornwall. My next project is to set up a fund called Support Our Embarrassed Footballers.

All this hard work is its own reward. I’m not interested in a knighthood or anything, but it would be nice for my wife.