'I went to super-posh Kensington afternoon tea and it'll make you feel rich for a day'

I love a good afternoon tea, but I'm more a garden centre kind of gal; mismatched plates, chipped cups, and scones the size of my head are what I expect. But at The Kensington, afternoon tea is an art.

I mean that literally - 'The Art of Afternoon Tea' is inspired by the nearby museums, with elements drawn from popular works by Jackson Pollock, Yayoi Kusama, and more. I knew it would be posh when I arrived, but I was hardly prepared for the white-pillared door opening not by magic, not by technology, but by a doorman complete with top had and effusive greetings.

The afternoon tea's setting is much less stuffy than I expected for a hotel located in a postcode I can barely afford to breathe in. Plush armchairs are scattered around a small and airy room, bay windows letting the autumnal light stream in and glint off the teapots.

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The menu includes a story about the meal's inspiration, which the waiter goes through in the great detail I associate with expensive restaurants. Priced at £58 per person, the afternoon tea is not cheap by any means; but it's worth every penny.

The selection of teas far exceeds the usual English Breakfast or Earl Grey. Cloud Tea carried the unmistakable depth of caramel, while the Earl Grey's bergamot shone through much brighter than it ever could from my usual Sainsbury's bags.

Expecting fine bone china, I was pleasantly surprised by the robustness of the mugs. The cup can make or break a cuppa, and these stylishly striped receptacles held the brew wonderfully.

Afternoon tea always comes in three tiers, and when they landed on my table my jaw all but dropped. The bottom tier's finger sandwiches splayed out in front of me like a tiny carb rainbow.

Above them, a cloth napkin hid scones like an oyster hides a pearl, their freshly baked scent wafting out of a tiny opening. But the showstopper lived at the top; though only meant to be inspired by artists, the four pairs of cakes were works of art in their own right.

The sandwiches ticked every box. There were two slices of each type: pastrami, horseradish, and pickle, cucumber and mint cream, brioche egg and cress, and salmon and lemon cream cheese.

I hate egg and cress, but the light brioche and its airy filling held none of the usual claggyness, instead melting in my mouth like an eggy cloud. Egg and mint and the pastrami concoction were both inspired combinations, but the true magic lay in the smoked salmon.

I am Norwegian, and I have eaten a lot of smoked salmon in my life. This smoked salmon outranked any other I've had, its lemon cream making the fish sing.

Onto the scones, now free of their cloth cocoon. Two plain and two fruit, an absolute blessing for someone who hates raisins as much as I do, accompanied by a generous helping of luscious clotted cream and homemade strawberry jam that actually tasted like it came from a real fruit.

The scones didn't crumble when cut into, but rather sliced enticingly down the middle to reveal a waft of steam. Delicately sweet and wonderfully moist, they beat any scones I've consumed in Cornwall.

Finally came time for the top tier. Each of the four cakes is a work of art; the paint-splattered Jackson Pollock's white chocolate shell broke to reveal dark chocolate mousse encasing a fresh passion fruit parfait, while the Yayoi Kusama-inspired 'pumpkins' hid a mango mousse and a refreshing coconut cream.

The white chocolate vanilla mousse his a pineapple compote, and looked like a miniature planet. But its tiny sibling, the marble-sized orange planet, held a veritable explosion of tart raspberry that closed off the meal on the most cheerful note possible.

The Kensington may not be cheap, and it may be in the heart of posh, hoity-toity West London, but it made me feel like a million pounds. The portions were hefty, the food incredibly tasty, the presentation belonged in a Michelin-starred restaurant, and the friendly service and attention to detail made me feel like the most important woman in the room.

For a short couple of hours, £58 made me royalty. It's an experience I'd gladly repeat every payday, and if you have a bit of extra cash to spare I'd urge you to treat yourself at The Kensington.

You can find The Kensington at 109-113 Queen's Gate, South Kensington, London SW7 5LP, or visit their website for more information.

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