Where will Boris Johnson enjoy his staycation this summer?

It is the question that literally no-one is asking, or thinking about, or pondering over a nice cup of milky tea: Where will the Prime Minister be going on holiday this summer?

It is a big question though, because Boris Johnson hasn’t been away since he flitted off to Mustique over the New Year. Which is more than six months ago. And a lot has happened since then. Brexit. A devastating pandemic. Actually, nothing else beyond that, because we’ve all been stuck in our houses eating crisps and watching Netflix. But we’re getting off the point. Where will the bloke from Number 10 be going to relax? Where? Tell us!

The answer is… we don’t know. Security issues and all that. But wait. We do know that it will be somewhere in the UK. Because the PM has said so. He was quoted earlier this month, and again today, urging Britons to take a holiday on home shores, declaring that he will be leading by example. And because the PM is absolutely a man of his word, we can take this as read.

“I think this is a great, great year for people to have a staycation,” he said, when someone pushed a microphone towards his face. “This country is uniquely blessed with fantastic places to holiday - whether coastal or otherwise. I am certainly going to be doing that.”

So that’s clear then. Let's leave aside the idea that the UK is “unique” in having “fantastic places to holiday” - and that, say, France is just a load of burning mattresses and tyre fires - and simply drill down into the “fantastic places”.  Which of the following might be the setting for a Brilliant Boris Break some time in August? The tension is tangible…

The Cotswolds

Pros: A classic Englishness. An essential quaintness. Lovely cottages. Villages with duckponds. Not far from London if you have to leg it back because 2020 has gone Full Armageddon and the Four Horsemen are riding around the Cenotaph, topless a la Putin.

Cons: Carrie - don’t let me leave the baby in the pub loo like Cameron did. Oh hang on - is that Sam Cam coming out of Waitrose? She looks a bit frosty. Maybe somewhere else?

Prime Ministerial rating: 8/10

The holiday: The Old Cottage - a three-bedroom hideaway at Chipping Norton - costs from £1,852 a week - through Holiday Cottages (01237 426 287; holidaycottages.co.uk).

Snowdonia

Pros: Some of the most spectacular scenery in This United Kingdom. Great mountain peaks. Deep valleys. The simple sound of the purest water trickling in brooks. A perfect context for walking, hiking and pondering your options for the next few months in peace.

Cons: Hang on - is this an old memo for Theresa May? Theresa’s gone, you know. Next!

Prime Ministerial rating: 4/10

The holiday: HF Holidays (020 3974 8865; hfholidays.co.uk) sells a three-night “Northern Snowdonia Guided Walking Holiday” which explores the national park at a gentle pace. From £329 per person, including accommodation. Four departures in August.

County Durham

Pros: Some of the loveliest coastline in all England. Who doesn’t fancy a week on the waterfront at Seaham, staring out over the cliffs at Nose’s Point? Plus, there’s a chance to catch up with all those new Conservative voters in Bishop Auckland. Win, win - and win.

Cons: Wait! Isn’t Barnard Castle in County Durham? We’d better avoid County Durham.

Prime Ministerial rating: 5/10

The holiday: HomeAway (020 8827 1971; homeway.co.uk) has listings in Seaham. Including Kinley Tower, a renovated Gothic stone folly (property reference: p8141799) which sleeps three people in two bedrooms - and can can be rented from £609 per week.

Norfolk

Pros: Now this could work. The glorious flatlands of the east of England. No hills to be walked up. No chance of bumping into a former Prime Minister. Maybe we could get a houseboat, explore the Fens. Are houseboats OK for very new babies? Someone find out.

Cons: Quite close to Brussels, isn’t it? I mean, we can’t actually see Belgium from here, but we could definitely be further away from Brussels. Not just in the sense of a sovereign nation doing the whole sovereignty thing in a splendidly sovereign fashion, but in the actual geographical sense too. Oh cripes, is that Michel Barnier? Is that an air rifle?

Prime Ministerial rating: 6/10

The holiday: The “Rippling Waters Houseboat” - which sleeps up to four people at Wroxham - costs from £355 per week via Hoseasons (0345 498 6060; hoseasons.co.uk).

The Scottish Highlands

Pros: Some of the most spectacular scenery in This United Kingdom. Great mountain peaks. Deep valleys. The simple sound of the purest water trickling in… just a minute - haven’t we already done this bit? With Snowdonia? Don’t worry. No-one will notice…

Cons: Erm, I’m really sorry to disturb you Prime Minister - there’s a lady called Nicola at the door. Says she wants to speak to you. Something about independence. Looks cross.

Prime Ministerial rating: 2/10

The holiday: Sykes Holiday Cottages (01244 356 695; sykescottages.co.uk) offers an intriguing option in “Katchana” - a one-storey cottage overlooking Loch Insh at Kincraig, near Aviemore. It sleeps eight in three bedrooms - and can be rented from £922 per week.

The British Virgin Islands

Pros: Oh yes, now we’re talking. Who thought of this? Well done that man! Have a cabinet position. Sun, sand and “British” in the name. No-one’s going to notice that it’s Caribbean Britain - rather than Britain Britain - are they? Can I? Can I? Pleeeeease Dom.

Cons: None. None whatsoever. Come on Carrie, let’s get out of here. Oh yes, the kid…

Prime Ministerial rating: 10/10

The holiday: A week at the five-star Scrub Island resort - on the island of the same name - start at £2,449 a head with flights, via Tropical Sky (01342 310 596; tropicaksky.co.uk).