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Why this body positivity influencer refuses to give in to trolls

Photo credit: Courtesy of Alex Light
Photo credit: Courtesy of Alex Light

From Harper's BAZAAR

I often think about deactivating my Instagram account. I don’t think I’ll ever go through with it – it’s my livelihood and there is so much good that comes from the platform and my community on there – but I can’t say that I don’t daydream about it.

Because the trolling is relentless. And I’m not exaggerating – every time I pick up my phone, I experience a familiar rush of dread, because there’s usually at least one vile comment from a total stranger.

Before we dive in, what is a troll, exactly? According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the definition is a person who is deliberately offensive or provocative online. They hide behind the safety of their phone or laptop screens and lash out with the intention of causing hurt.

I get a few different types of trolling. The first is one that doesn’t upset me as much as the others anymore – it usually comes in the form of vomit emojis on pictures of my body, or a comment about how my body makes them feel sick. Those comments are generally from teenage boys who dislike feminism and people who fight for liberation from conventional beauty standards. They mostly go straight over my head at this point; I’m so used to them.

Photo credit: Alex Light
Photo credit: Alex Light

The second hurts more – people questioning my intentions and motives. Stating that I don’t do what I do to help women or dismantle diet culture, but instead to get ‘clout’ (a new buzzword that refers to followers, likes and engagement on social media posts). This hits a nerve, because I work damn hard and often sacrifice my own mental health in order to help women feel better about themselves.

The third is concern trolling. People expressing faux concern for my health, worrying that I’m ‘carrying too much weight’ and that it will negatively impact my health in some way, or informing me that I looked ‘better’ when I was anorexic.

And here’s the thing – I’m not even plus-sized. I am straight-sized and I wear a size 12-14. Can you imagine what it’s like for women in larger bodies? I dread to think. It almost makes me feel ashamed for complaining about my trolling experiences.

But my account has grown quickly, so I’ve had to grow a thick skin as fast as I possibly can – which, let me tell you, is easier said than done. At this point, and lots of tears later (my poor, poor fiancé) I am able to mostly overlook these comments. But the build-up is what tips me over the edge sometimes. I will receive say 20, 30 really nasty things, and feel perfectly capable of blocking and moving on, but a *fairly* innocuous comment will then send me into a full-blown meltdown out of nowhere.

The last one was when a big fitness clothing account shared one of my pictures after a couple of weeks of what felt like endless negativity. I liked the post, thanked them for sharing and forgot about it, until a follower alerted me to the ensuing comment thread. Apparently, some of the account’s fans were unhappy that a fitness account was "promoting obesity" by sharing my image. "I thought this account was about fitness" followed by crying-with-laughter emojis; "Why on earth would you push the idea that such an unhealthy body is good?"; "We need to stop supporting this attitude that it’s OK to be so overweight"; and "I thought this account was about achieving your goals? This is disgusting" were just a few of the delightful comments that I saw before quitting the page and deciding to never look again.

Photo credit: Alex Light
Photo credit: Alex Light

Because, as an eating disorder sufferer, I have to avoid triggers. And, as you can imagine, hearing that how your body looks is disgusting, is quite the trigger. I stayed off Instagram entirely for five days after that, during which I reevaluated my desire to continue putting myself out there. Is it worth it? Do I really want the constant stress of managing negativity and trolling and the emotions that come with it?

Giving myself space and time to zoom out and see the bigger picture answered my question: hell yes, it’s worth it. I get hundreds of DMs every day, many telling me how my content and my page has improved their body image, or helped them reach out for help for their eating disorder. Why do I focus on the negativity when I am making palpable change in people’s lives?

Trolling will always be a part of what I do, especially because of my work in dismantling diet culture. Diet culture has been our collective way of life for so long, and human nature dictates that our defences go up when our beliefs are challenged. When you consider this, it’s no wonder that so many people feel threatened by my conviction and determination in demolishing this predatory and pointless social construct that dominates so many lives.

Photo credit: Alex Light
Photo credit: Alex Light

I can’t lie and say that I am now impervious to hate – I have no doubt that there are many more meltdowns to come (again, my poor fiancé), but each time they happen, I will become more equipped to deal with them. And more understanding that these comments, despite feeling deeply personal, aren’t actually about me. Hurt people hurt people. Scared people hurt people. It’s not about me.

Follow Alex on Instagram at alexlight_ldn.

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