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Why thinking your lover is ‘the one’ could put your relationship in danger: life coach

Dating
Dating

Love is a battlefield.

Finding “the one” isn’t without its psychological risks, according tp a self-styled life coach on TikTok with 1.3 million followers.

Romanian-born psychology expert Francesa Tighnean, posted a video to her TikTok page explaining why placing too much importance on a significant other can ultimately lead to a toxic relationship.

“How do I know I found the one? Let’s talk about ‘the one’ and what this concept represents,” the University of London graduate said in her video.

She said she knows “it’s a really romantic thing to believe” that you’ve found the one, and that it can add some mysticism and make the person you’re with feel special — but it can also be “really dangerous to have this belief,” she explained.

Romanian-born psychology expert Francesa Tighnean explained why the notion of finding “the one” is a dangerous idea. TikTok/@francescapsychology
Romanian-born psychology expert Francesa Tighnean explained why the notion of finding “the one” is a dangerous idea. TikTok/@francescapsychology

“Firstly, it’s dangerous because it creates a false belief about relationships that you just need to find the right person and then everything else will fall into place. All your trauma, all your dysfunctional coping mechanisms, all your baggage will magically disappear because this is the ‘right’ person, right? Wrong,” she said.

People who think they want “the one” might be expecting their special someone to save them from all their problems, Tighnean continued. “This is not going to happen because happiness doesn’t start when you get into a relationship, that’s how you create co-dependent, toxic relationships.”

“This is because you start putting your own value in someone else’s hands. And if they don’t see you as worthy or valuable, you don’t see yourself as worthy or valuable, which is a big problem,” she explained.

Another potentially dangerous consequence she added is that if you’re prone to obsession, “this thinking actually fuels your obsession” and you may not be willing to let someone go.

Logan Ury, the director of relationship science at the dating app Hinge, shared her equation to determine if you’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right.

Logan Ury is a behavioral scientist, matchmaker and director of relationship science at the dating app Hinge. Courtesy of Logan Ury
Logan Ury is a behavioral scientist, matchmaker and director of relationship science at the dating app Hinge. Courtesy of Logan Ury

Ury highlights a mathematical theory called the “secretary problem.” It posits that out of a pool of 100 candidates, the truly viable options don’t begin until after no. 38 — at which point you should hire the best match so far, and ASAP.

“That’s now your benchmark person — the next time you find someone you like as much or more, you should hire them,” Ury said.