Worried about turfing your kids out of the nest? Fear not – they’ll be back

A New York judge has ordered 30-year old Michael Rotondo to move out of his parents’ house. The ruling comes after Rotondo’s parents tried and failed to evict their son in a series of letters. “There are jobs available even for those with a poor work history like you,” they wrote. “Get one – you have to work!”. Rotondo, unrepentant, told reporters he planned to appeal.

For anyone who is a parent of adults or near-adults, it is almost unimaginable that coaxing them out of the nest could ever come to such a pass, even though most of us, at one time or another, have probably imagined it. It is one of the great paradoxes of parenting: even if you don’t really want them to go, you still worry they will never leave.

My oldest son moved into his own place just recently, illuminating some of the finer points of this paradox. The whole time your adult children are living at home, you worry you’re making things too nice for them – free laundry services, hot meals, overly relaxed policies regarding smoking indoors and keeping odd hours. Most seaside B&Bs have stricter rules. The second they depart, however, you start trying to lure them back for a visit with the exact same perks: supper, free beer, a working dryer. Have a bath while you’re here. Of course you can smoke! Do you have a key? Take a key!

We’re now accustomed to thinking of this generation as the one that might never leave home. According to the Office for National Statistics the percentage of adults aged 20 to 34 still living with their parents has risen from 21% in 1996 to 26% last year. For males it’s 32%, which is astonishing. Rotondo may be shiftless, but he’s not an anomaly.

Under these circumstances, to prepare for children to leave the nest is to simultaneously prepare for their return. You can’t really turn that bedroom into a home gym. The boomerang generation will always have the need of that front-door key.

I know well enough what it’s like to boomerang back. When I came home from college in 1992, all my younger siblings were still in higher education and living elsewhere. I hadn’t eaten dinner with my parents alone for 20 years. I lasted about nine months before I moved out after, I seem to recall, a conversation about rent. Two years later, I managed to relocate from Boston to New York, and then to London. Then, all of a sudden, I found myself back in my old bedroom, jobless and painting my Dad’s office for money. I was 28. If my parents ever sought legal advice, they didn’t tell me.

There may be extra reasons why Rotondo’s parents went to court (one of their letters advised him to sell his valuables: “This is especially true for any weapons you may have”) that do not apply in most cases.

My advice to parents with grown kids still at home is not to worry too much about what you’re doing to hold them back. In my experience, making yourself an always-available source of unsolicited advice is a pretty good deterrent to them staying forever, no matter how good a cook you are. Even if your house is as cushy as an open prison, it’s still a prison. Your kids will leave as soon as they’re able, and they won’t come back if they can help it.

When they’re finally gone, you will expel a long sigh of relief, and then spend the rest of your life trying to get hold of them.

• Tim Dowling is a Guardian columnist