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    Bourne Ultimatum: Mum-In-Law's Manners Guide

    A bride-to-be has been given a very public etiquette lesson after an email from her future mother-in-law, attacking her "uncouthness", went viral over the internet.

    Carolyn Bourne, 60, wrote the message after her stepson Freddie took Heidi Withers to meet his family in Devon - and made it clear they had not got off on the right foot.

    Mrs Bourne slammed the 29-year-old's "lack of grace" and branded her "an ideal candidate for the Ladette to Lady television series".

    The situation got out of hand when a stunned Miss Withers, a PA, forwarded the stern email to some of her friends who, astonished by the tone, decided to forward it on.

    The email has since gone viral on the internet, reaching tens of thousands of readers.

    Mrs Bourne said Miss Withers' behaviour had been so rude it had left the family dog, Bomber, traumatised, depressed and anxious.

    And in a stinging pay-off, she remarked: "One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie."

    Mrs Bourne, who runs Whetman Pinks nursery near Dawlish in Devon, has refused to comment.

    :: This is the full email from Mrs Bourne to Miss Withers:

    It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.

    Unfortunately for Freddie, he has fallen in love with you and Freddie being Freddie, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you.

    It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so.

    Your behaviour on your visit to Devon during April was staggering in its uncouthness and lack of grace.

    Unfortunately, this was not the first example of bad manners I have experienced from you.

    If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste.

    There are plenty of finishing schools around. You would be an ideal candidate for the Ladette to Lady television series.

    Please, for your own good, for Freddie's sake and for your future involvement with the Bourne family, do something as soon as possible.

    Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:

    When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something.

    You do not remark that you do not have enough food.

    You do not start before everyone else.

    You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.

    When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.

    You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.

    I have no idea whether you wrote to thank [your future sister-in-law] for the weekend but you should have hand-written a card to her.

    You should have hand-written a card to me. You have never written to thank me when you have stayed at Houndspool.

    [Your future sister-in-law] has quite the most exquisite manners of anyone I have ever come across. You would do well to follow her example.

    You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why.

    It is tragic that you have diabetes. However, you aren't the only young person in the world who is a diabetic.

    I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition.

    She quietly gets on with it. She doesn't like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar.

    As a diabetic of long standing you must be acutely aware of the need to prepare yourself for extraordinary eventualities, the walk to Mothecombe beach being an example.

    You are experienced enough to have prepared yourself appropriately.

    No-one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.

    I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.)

    If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.

    One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.

     

    656 comments

    • pauline  •  11 months ago
      I WANT TO KNOW WHAT FREDDIE THINKS? Come on Freddie, spill!
      • Rifky 11 months ago
        Trust me - Freddie has no spine whatsoever. His step-mother is a witch but he has no courage to stand up to her. She would only have written that if she knew she could.
      • M 11 months ago
        Freddie should dump this chav - a bit of rough is OK but not to marry.
      • Pat 11 months ago
        When asked for a quote Freddie replied "Bitty, "
    • Jackson  •  11 months ago
      I'm going to go out on a limb here, and take a guess that Heidi will not likely be calling Carolyn "Mom".
      • First L 11 months ago
        You mean 'mum'.
      • Joseph 11 months ago
        Or "mam" if your from t' North :)
      • Gerry A 11 months ago
        Think it'll be Mum, she's not a septic even though her poor manners suggest otherwise.
    • Alison  •  10 months ago
      If you have genuinely good manners you do not draw attention to other people's bad manners, you find ways of bringing out the best in whoever you meet.
      • Marie 10 months ago
        If only that was always possible.
      • Tim 10 months ago
        MIL only spoke to the girlfriend. It was the latter who drew attention to the situation by spreading the email.

        Are you really a good potential family member if you let someone continue behaving like an @#$%?
      • RLW 10 months ago
        Alison, you are so right. Who is the most churlish?
    • TechnoBeast  •  11 months ago
      This is the synopsis to the eagerly-anticipated fourth film in the series - The Bourne Objection. Matt Damon will star once more, but this time he will have to don outdated sensibilities to go with a questionably funky wardrobe, as he portrays the social-climbing, hopeful-bride quashing Mrs Bourne. In place of exotic locations and thrilling action, expect early morning dog walks and a firm hand over the soup tureen.
      • anthony 11 months ago
        hahaha brilliant :-)
      • whatsit 11 months ago
        Truly awesome.
      • Mary 11 months ago
        Love it, wish I had thought of that
    • Yelo  •  11 months ago
      I am not being funny but I think stepmum should stop beating around the bush and say what she really thinks about her future step daughter in law LOL, nice one perhaps if more people did this there would be less divorces
      • pedant 10 months ago
        "Fewer"
      • Asknwunderen 10 months ago
        "Fewer"? OMG this cracking me up! ROFLs
      • ADRIAN 10 months ago
        it is precisely why there are so many divorces, mother in laws can't mind there own sodding business, I should know I have had three, the second one did the right thing she kicked the bucket, I would have said much to this bloody woman Bourne had she been my future mother in law like go forth and multi-ply in short jerky motions.
    • Arthur_J  •  11 months ago
      Freddie, it is your old pal Bertie here! If I was you I should start running now! It gives me goose pimples just thinking about the two of them clawing at each other all the time and you in the middle of it dear boy. Leave them to it!! Just save yourself! I will send Jeeves round in the morning.
    • may  •  11 months ago
      Wow, hysterical!! This story has all the makings of a Hyacinth Buckett tv comedy - Hyacinth meets future chav daughter-in-law!!
    • Pete  •  11 months ago
      Brilliant!!!
    • Graham  •  11 months ago
      'Mrs Bourne said Miss Withers' behaviour had been so rude it had left the family dog, Bomber, traumatised, depressed and anxious'. Ha Ha love it!

      This has the makings of a good TV series - something to do with 'appearances' perhaps.
    • michelle  •  11 months ago
      I believe that this woman probably had some valid points to make and some were a bit OTT...It IS nice to thank people for having you (maybe not a handwritten card but at least a call) and it does sound like maybe Heidi was a bit abrasive with what she will and wont eat. I know from meeting parents before and been faced with having to eat a tomato ( i HATE tomatoes!), i ate it and got on with it. Probably do no harm to pull your horns in when meeting older parents etc and for the parents to lighten up a bit. Nothing wrong with having a bit of manners, half the reason the country is screwed is due to a lack of them!
    • PixieLink  •  11 months ago
      Carrie I agree. It's all Freddies fault.

      He's well aware of his step mothers way of living and accepted manners.
      He could and should have advised Heidi what and how to do at every step.
      This would have nipped any annoyance in the bud. So I'm thinking is this
      what Freddie wants to make a break for it, using Heidi as a scapegoat?

      Don't get me wrong, I think Mrs B is right. I've had the same problem with
      unexpected visitors and appauling disrespectful behaviour. I can't understand
      their mentality when in some-one elses home.
    • ENSEMBLE  •  11 months ago
      Harps and Heidi sound like a match made in heaven
    • M  •  11 months ago
      I don���t see anything wrong with having manners. However, if it keeps some lout from vomiting over your shoes or requires them to remove their hat while in-door, or stops them flashing their @#$% on a Saturday night I can understand why they would be against manners. Those who made obscene commented are the sort of people Mrs Bourne is referring to in her email. We no longer have a civilized society in Britain. We refuse to be governed by any social, moral, legal or religious norms. We try to disguise bad behaviour as freedom of expression when all it is ME, ME, ME. Times have changed but did really have to throw the baby out with the bathwater when it came to manners.

      Joe
    • liz  •  11 months ago
      From a DIL view telling your future MIL that you cant eat part of the meal she has prepared in mortifying, (but then again I still need to remind my own mother that I cant eat cheese).

      I think that some of the point are valid and are just good 'old fashioned' manners, but all of this could have been said over time in person or to her son if it offended her.

      I think the son is partly to blame he know both of them and could have forewarned Heidi about certain house rules, or his mother about certain dietary requirements.

      As a separate issue no matter how offend or shocked she was by the email she should never have forwarded it.
    • Jensu Takara  •  11 months ago
      awesome
    • Anon  •  11 months ago
      Well here is some perspective, i have been happily married to my husband for nearly 10yrs have two beautiful children who are 5 and 6. I do not see my in-laws due to their behaviour. I do have manners and did the whole thank you (by phone and not card) and behaving appropriately and understanding that i was in another's home and really wanted to get to know my in-laws. They both seemed lovely people. Until i overheard them discussing with other family members that i was a snob and it made them feel uncomfortable. GO FIGURE!! Manners seems to mean snobbery to them! Their behaviour over time became ridiculous and my husband was very cross with them and he told them their beahviour embarrassed him because for the first time he really saw his family through others eyes and said to me that they were intimidated because i showed up their bad manners. At one time when i stood up for myself my mother-in-law said to me that it shows my ignorance because there was no such word as conscientious (because she never heard of it) and laughed at me. I rested my case there and then and said no more. I laugh now when i look back.
    • D  •  11 months ago
      A bit over the top and mean in some places, especially about the girl's parents but even so some good points and perhaps they could start again with effort on both sides! Otherwise it does look very doomed!
    • ANTON  •  11 months ago
      Whatever the opinions of Miss Withers and Mrs Bourne, this was supposed to be a private communication between the two of them. By forwarding the message on to other people, Miss Withers has quite clearly confirmed as correct Mrs Bourne's opinions about her behaviour.
      " You can choose your friends but not your family "
    • Fairdo4all  •  11 months ago
      Well both parties are products of their respective types of upbringing and are unlikely to ever see eye to eye. To my mind neither of the two come out very well here, Heidi because her manners are indeed lacking but then they are probably no worse than those of 3/4 of the populations, Mrs Bourne because i consider her missive grossly arrogant, intolerant and intentionally hurtfull. I too pity Freddie, but more for the Step Mother he has than for his choice of bride. She obviously has qualities that her future mother in law is unaware of. To criticise heidi's parents for not saving for their daughters weddings shows how far removed she is from reality, she is obviously not aware that for many people keeping their family housed, fed and clothed is a monthly balancing act and saving for their female offsprings weddings is just a dream.
    • groucho  •  10 months ago
      Good manners cost nothing-we now have a young generation without even the basics.