The 10 Rules We Want to See for the Trump-Biden Debate


U.S. President Joe Biden and power dozer Donald Trump agreed to debate at least twice before the November election. The first debate will be hosted by CNN on June 27 with three ground rules proposed by the Biden campaign and accepted by the Trump campaign: The debate will be staged in a TV studio, candidates’ mics will cut off when the time limit is reached, and only the candidates and moderators will be present.

This is a fine start, but here are some additional ground rules that would make the debate even better.

1. Candidates must agree to having a fact checker in the wings and if a candidate lies, a loud ahooga noise will sound.

2. Candidates must agree that anyone with a worm in his brain cannot join the debate, as the worm—dead or alive— will be considered “campaign staff” and offer an unfair advantage.

3. Candidates must agree that the first one to fall asleep at the podium will get their hand put in a glass of warm water.

4. Candidates must admit that Hunter Biden did some embarrassing shit, but looked kinda cool doing it.

5. Candidates must stipulate that serial killers generally, and Hannibal Lecter in particular, are bad and also that, seriously, we shouldn’t have to say this. Right? Right?

6. Candidates must agree that Al Pacino having a baby at 83 is not weird at all because when you think about it, 83 is just 38 walking backwards.

7. Candidates must agree that the debate will have a secret word and whenever someone says it, moderators will quietly switch seats while muttering, “Ha cha cha.”

8. Candidates must agree that pink is the best kind of Starburst, and it’s honestly sort of embarrassing that they still make the yellow ones at all.

9. Candidates must agree to simply wave at their wives at the end and skip the super-awkward, nobody-wants-to-see kiss.

10. Candidates must agree that Biden is the duly-elected President and there’s no evidence that the 2020 election was rigged.

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