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20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Jan. 9-15)

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.

Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they're all on my husband's nightstand

— meghan (@deloisivete) January 16, 2024 ">

"Your sisters and nieces are coming over for cosmetic treatments right now. You can be here if you want."

A thing my husband just said to me.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 9, 2024 ">

How ‘bout Amazon trucks that play music like ice cream trucks so my wife knows when to go running out to the curb.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) January 10, 2024 ">

I was annoyed at my husband for misplacing his sunglasses again. After retracing our steps, I realized I was actually sitting on them in the car. So, I threw them under his seat and became the hero when I found them.

Follow me for more marriage advice.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 9, 2024 ">

Wife: why is there a password on your phone?

Me not wanting her to see my google history of words I can’t spell:

I’m cheating on you

— PieGuy (@ilovepie84) January 11, 2024 ">

I burned my thumb making pizza and my wife put on a Paw Patrol bandaid. Not gonna lie, it’s way better than the boring ones. I feel the healing power.

— N.J. Gallegos is colder than a witch’s tit ❄️🥶 (@DrSpooky_ER) January 14, 2024 ">

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

— 🌜🤷♂️ Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) January 9, 2024 ">

My wife will tell you when we first met, I swept her off her feet. Literally. I accidentally spilled my drink at the coffee shop and when she got up to help me clean, she slipped and landed on her backside.

We laugh about it now. Well, I do.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) January 12, 2024 ">

Gandalf: Look to my coming on the first light of the fifth day; at dawn, look to the east.

Wife: Okay wait so, like, is today day one, or is today day zero and tomorrow is when I start count?

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) January 10, 2024 ">

My husband took out containers but left their lids in the fridge like some kind of food rapture

— meghan (@deloisivete) January 11, 2024 ">

My husband doesn’t see the hilarious irony that he sent our identical twins to school in matching sweatshirts that say, “Be Unique!” on the front and now I’m questioning who I married.

— Shit I tell my toddler (@Toddler_talkin) January 11, 2024 ">

Wife: You had pizza and a salad for lunch and a glass of wine.

Me: That's amazing. How did you know?

Wife: It's on your shirt.

— Jew in a Canoe ✡️ (@WillieHandler) January 13, 2024 ">

Marriage is driving by gas stations and announcing the prices.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 12, 2024 ">

My husband just said "want me to make this room smell reeeeaaaal good?" to our guests. He was proposing lighting a new candle he bought but they had no way of knowing that and everyone looked freaked out and I can't control this man.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 14, 2024 ">

9 out of 10 people agree that we’re a really fun household at the weekends as husband and I take turns to announce which household task we’re suffering next.

— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) January 14, 2024 ">

Beating a level in Super Mario Wonder nearly made my wife and I have a nervous breakdown.

These were the hard times in marriage they warned me about.

— N.J. Gallegos is colder than a witch’s tit ❄️🥶 (@DrSpooky_ER) January 14, 2024 ">

me: I'm going to take a nap

wife: you haven't done anything today. Isn't it customary to expend at least a little energy before taking a nap?

me:

wife:

me: I'm going to do yard work later, this is a preemptive nap

— 🌜🤷♂️ Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) January 12, 2024 ">

If my wife and I did a cooking show together it would mostly be her telling me I'm in her way.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) January 15, 2024 ">

Husband: *sitting comfortably on the couch*

Me: Honey, can you grab me something while you’re up?

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 11, 2024 ">

When your wife says, “I’m going to clean a little bit” it’s 100% a test and you better start cleaning anything and everything in sight.

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) January 14, 2024 ">

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