32 Funny Barney Stinson Quotes From How I Met Your Mother

Kids, we know the show may, in essence, be the story of Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor) and his crusade for true love, but out of the entire How I Met Your Mother cast, few would disagree that the funniest member of the gang is Barney Stinson. Only an actor as charming and versatile as Emmy winner Neil Patrick Harris could make an irritatingly self-righteous and despicably perverse creep such a blast to watch. Thus, we had no issue accepting the challenge of compiling the most hilarious quips and philosophies we heard from the Barnacle on one of the best sitcoms of all time.

“It's Gonna be Legen— Wait For It... Dary! Legendary!”

Probably the best variation of the most famous of Barney’s many signature catchphrases is, “It's gonna be legen— wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!”

“Suit Up!”

The first of Barney’s many signature catchphrases that HIMYM introduced us to was his demand that Ted adopt a more formal wardrobe similar to his. In fact, Barney is never not in a suit — not just because his mysterious occupation requires it, but because he believes it makes him seem cooler.

“Challenge Accepted!”

If there is one thing that Barney loves more than suits — and women, of course — it would have to be a good challenge. He is willing to take on any dare that someone provokes him with, or even one that no one was actually intentionally provoking him with in the first place. It often gets into some really absurd situations, like when he managed to get a girl’s number while speaking only like a dolphin.

“This Is Totally Going In My Blog!”

In the event that something amuses or infuriates him, Barney like to bring up that he chronicles his daily activities online. The one time we actually saw him updating his blog was HIMYM’s fun way of paying homage to Harris’ breakout role on Doogie Howser M.D.

“Think Of Me Like Yoda, But Instead Of Being Little And Green, I Wear Suits And I'm Awesome. I'm Your Bro. I’m Broda!”

One of the most refreshing details about a character like Barney, who is always trying to sell how cool he is, is that he is not shy about his love for the Star Wars movies. In fact, he mentioned one of the most iconic Jedi Masters, Yoda, in comparison to his coolness.

“One Of The 24 Similarities Between Girls And Fish Is That They’re Both Attracted To Shiny Objects”

One of the few times Barney is seen without a suit comes from one of the best How I Met Your Mother episodes, “Okay, Awesome.” On a night he, Ted, and Robin (Cobie Smulders) plan to hit a up a club, he chooses a shirt with a silvery finish, believing it might give him better chances with the ladies.

“When I Get Sad, I Stop Being Sad And Be Awesome Instead. True Story”

What makes Barney’s very shallow solution to Marshall’s (Jason Segel) grief over losing Lily (Alyson Hannigan) in Season 2 a classic line is not just its comedic overtones, but its serious undertones. We come to understand further down the line that much of Barney’s sleazy behavior is in response to a fear of abandonment, which he, admittedly, did a pretty bang-up job repressing at this time in the series.

“A Lie Is Just A Great Story That Someone Ruined With The Truth”

We are, admittedly, of two minds about this Barney-ism. On the one hand, honesty is always the best policy, but on the other hand, many a great tale has been tainted by fact-checking, indeed.

“The Killer In A Horror Movie Does Not Stand In Front Of The Camp Cabins With A Bullhorn And Shout, ‘Attention, Unguarded Teens! At 3:00, I Will Jump Out Of That Closet And Hack You To Death With A Machete. By The Way, My Only Weakness Is Fire'"

In Season 3’s “Slapsgiving,” Barney attempts to downplay the anticipation for the third slap he is expected to receive from Marshall by claiming his literal countdown “took out all the suspense” of the occasion. He likens it to what a slasher movie might be like if the villain made his presence known.

“Step One, You Start Running. There Is No Step Two”

When Barney agrees to take Marshall’s place in a marathon, they question if he is up to the task, having not undergone the necessary training. Barney believes his two—nay, the one-step process is all he needs, only for the joke to later be on him when his legs stop working during his free subway trip.

“A Bro Never Cries. Exceptions: Watching Field Of Dreams, E.T., Or A Sports Legend Retire”

Barney would actually defy this article of the Bro Code upon the birth of his daughter in the series finale. However, the validity of the rule still stands, because who can resist tearing up at any of these occasions?

“You’re Forcing Me To Be The Voice Of Reason. And That’s Not A Good Look For Me!”

In the Season 1 finale, Ted’s plan to finally win Robin’s heart is to prevent her from going on a work trip by making it rain. Naturally, everyone finds this idea ridiculous, including Barney, who is normally the one who needs to be talked back down to reality. It's a fun role reversal, until Ted's rain dance actually ends up paying off at the end.

“God, It’s Me, Barney. What Up? I Know We Don’t Talk Much, But I Know A Lot Of Girls Call Out Your Name Because Of Me”

One of the few times we see Barney bow down by the grace of the Almighty occurs in Season 4’s “Not a Father’s Day,” when he begs for a desirable outcome after learning the last woman he was with might be with child. This is exactly the way we might expect Barney to pray: treating God like another bro in the way he speaks and still making it all about him.

“You Don’t Bring A Date To A Wedding, That’s Like Bringing A Deer Carcass On A Hunting Trip”

For starters, we cannot avoid pointing out just how rude it is for Barney to compare women to game animals, as he does after Ted grows desperate to find a plus-one for his friends’ nuptials in Season 2’s “The Wedding.” On the other hand, Ted would end up meeting one of his best pre-Tracy significant others, Victoria (Ashley Williams), at the reception, so Barney certainly has a point after all.

“Without ‘Me,’ It’s Just ‘Aweso’”

Here is yet another example Barney’s masterful wordplay… and another self-righteous proclamation of his awesomeness.

“Don’t Say You’re Gonna Kill Someone In Front Of Airport Security. Not Cool!”

In Season 1’s “The Sweet Taste of Liberty,” an attempt to pick up a couple of attractive travelers at an airport leads Ted and Barney to board a plane to Philadelphia, but they are escorted off under suspicion of criminal activity. An understandably irritated Ted tells Barney he is going to kill him, but we agree with Barney that that moment is not a good time to say that, even in jest.

“In My Body, Where The Shame Gland Should Be, There Is A Second Awesome Gland”

There is certainly some truth to Barney’s “true story” from Season 2. He certainly had no shame at that point.

“Oh, Ted, No. Do Not Tell Me You’re Going To Start Searching For ‘The One’ Again. The Only Time I Want To Hear You Saying ‘The One’ Is If It’s Followed By The Word ‘Hundredth’”

Interestingly, at that point in the series, Barney probably really had been with at least 100 women. He would eventually complete a list of 200 in Season 4’s “Right Place, Right Time.”

“There’s Only Three Things You’ll Ever See Me Fight: The Stubborn Clasp Of A Bra, Harassment Charges – Nine For Nine — And The Urge To Vomit When I See Someone Wear Brown Shoes With A Black Suit”

In Season 4’s “The Fight,” when MacLaren’s employee Doug (Will Sasso) enlists the guys’ help to beat up some customers in the back alley, they discuss the moral complications and necessities of resorting to violence. Before eventually agreeing to the idea to impress Robin, Barney claims his only reasons for “fighting” relate to his promiscuity and austere fashion sense.

“A Girl Is Allowed To Be Crazy As Long As She Is Equally Hot”

One of Barney’s funniest — yet, admittedly, most problematic — theories and/or rules is referred to as “The Hot/Crazy Scale,” which he explains in Season 3’s “How I Met Everyone Else” when Ted introduces the gang to a woman he met online. It posits that the more attractive a woman is, the more mentally unstable she may be, which — like most of Barney’s rhetoric — is absolutely absurd, but quite hilarious in the context of the episode.

“Ted, Bubala, If You Have A Crazy Story, I Was There. It’s Just A Law Of The Universe”

In Season 8’s “The Ashtray,” Barney tries to insert himself in Ted’s recollection of the last time he encountered The Captain (Kyle McLachlan), despite Ted’s insistence that Barney was not there. Obviously, Barney’s exaggerating here about it being a universal truth that he would be involved in any amusing tale, but he has been involved in most of the gang’s amusing tales, so we can’t say we disagree.

“There’s Only One Street Where That Is Normal. Here’s A Hint: A Big, Yellow Bird Lives On It”

When discussing how unusually genial Marshall is with fellow New Yorkers, Barney points out that such behavior in the Big Apple is only common in Sesame Street. Coincidentally, Jason Segel would go on to work with similar creatures when he wrote 2011’s The Muppets.

“You Poor Thing. Having To Grow Up In Canada, With America Right There”

The only thing that Barney is more than a pro-American is an anti-Canadian, as evident by his incessant ribbing of Robin’s native country. Despite this, he and the broadcaster shared an on-and-off romance that led to an inevitably doomed marriage, but Barney’s dislike of the Great White North had nothing to do with their split.

“Unfair? I Would Not Let You Take Care Of The Imaginary Kids I Make Up To Score With Single Moms!”

In the Season 3 premiere, “Wait for It,” Ted and Barney meet Amy (Mandy Moore), with whom they unwittingly break into the home of a family she used to nanny for to use their hot tub. She believes the family unfairly fired her, but Barney, to his credit, actually unleashes his parental instincts and points out just how irresponsible she is.

“Anytime A Bachelorette Party Drives Through The City In A Limo, Sticking Their Heads Out The Sunroof Shouting, ‘What’s Up, New York,’ WE Will Be What Is UP New York”

This comes from Barney’s inappropriately jubilant reaction to the news that Marshall and Lily have split, putting him under the impression that he, Ted, and Marshall are all single at the same time and can be wingmen together. Soon after, however, he realizes that Ted and Robin have finally become a couple in the Season 2 premiere.

“Every Halloween, I Bring A Spare Costume, In Case I Strike Out With The Hottest Girl In The Party. That way, I Have A Second Chance To Make A First Impression”

On All Hallow’s Eve, some children like to prepare two costumes in order to have a second round of trick-or-treating. Barney has amended this tradition so it applies to his chances of scoring a different sort of treat.

“I Have One Rule…”

Barney likes to say he has only “one rule” quite often, but tends to follow that with a different philosophy every single time, such as “never date a girl with a hook for a hand.” Of course, the addendum to these instructions is always the same: “Unless she’s hot.”

“You Can’t Ride The Tricycle Before Me. It’s Like Jimmy Olsen Beating Lex Luthor While Superman Watches Impotently In His Bed”

“The Tricycle” refers to a certain experience with two women at once, which Ted becomes close to having before Barney, which makes him quite jealous. Given his history with women, he believes that — between him and Ted — it would make more sense for him to be the first to achieve this feat and hilariously likens it to the Man of Steel’s good buddy defeating his nemesis instead.

“You Can Grab Life By The Crack And Lick The Crap Out Of It”

The crack in this Season 1 quote refers to the crack in the Liberty Bell, which Barney tries to convince Ted to lick after meeting a security guard for the national landmark on an impromptu trip to Philadelphia. Of course, anything sounds inappropriate when coming from Barney Stinson, so this sort of rhetoric is not much of a stretch for him.

“You Wanna Scoop Stuffing On Your First Day? Hello, NFL, Can I Be Quarterback Next Sunday?

Ted and Robin decide to spend Thanksgiving volunteering at a soup kitchen and are surprised to find Barney is its volunteer of the year. When Ted asks if he can take his place scooping stuffing, the veteran likens the job to playing the top position on a football team without prior experience.

“Oh Yeah, You Just Know She Likes It Dirty!”

In the pilot episode, when Ted first lays eyes on Robin, he brings Barney’s attention to her. Immediately, the player’s head goes right to the gutter, imagining how the woman who would one day be his spouse enjoys her nighttime activities.

“Moist…”

To prove a point to Lily (Alyson Hannigan) after she becomes upset with him for his brutally honest review of her experimental play, Barney writes his own intentionally irritating one-person show to prove a point to her. The first segment sees him repeat this word that he knows Lily cannot stand.

Say what you want about Barney Stinson, when it comes to scoring the funny lines on How I Met Your Mother, he won the challenge.