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32 Hilarious Bill Burr Quotes I Can’t Get Enough Of

Hugh Scott

25 May 2024 at 8:00 pm

Honesty and hilarity. Bill Burr crushes both.

“My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn’t be funny, but to observe it, it’s hilarious.”

"There's something about going to a dude ranch that makes you feel like a man, even though you're basically just riding a horse."

"Any job you can do in your pajamas is not a difficult job."

"Who would run for a job where it costs 100 million to get it so you can make 400 grand a year? That isn’t a red flag to anybody?"

“I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it’s that same fear.”

“I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their window, am I right?”

“Let’s go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking.”

"I love how we'll eat a pizza that can clog four arteries in one slice, but we're concerned about sodium."

"I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but I am saying that men are dumber than women."

“I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I’d like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don’t have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I’m shooting for the middle.”

"Marriage is just finding that one person who annoys you the least."

"You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.”

“Carnegie Hall is as good as they say it is. It’s not like Stonehenge which looks great in books but then you go there and it’s a pile of rocks next to a highway. There’s actually a highway right next to it, but you don’t see that in pictures.”

“A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they’re really small.”

“I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today...”

“I’m not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.”

“I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.”

"The best way to teach your kids how to save money is to keep all your financial struggles completely hidden from them."

"Nothing screams 'I have a drinking problem' like boarding a plane with your own beer coozy."

“Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.”

“I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you’re better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that.”

"Taking care of a baby is the ultimate slap in the face to somebody who used to think they were cool."

“I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with ’em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don’t even notice that you’re filling up their heads with your theories.”

“Haven’t you noticed that every time the government screws up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?”

"What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?”

“Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I’m yelling?”

"There's nothing more freeing than being able to speak your mind and not care what anyone thinks of you. Unless you're married."

“I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don’t know where it’s going.”

"I don't think I'm cursed with a weak jawline. I think I have a very strong jawline that just happens to be attached to a very weak brain."

"You know, I can't even imagine waking up and not having coffee. I'd kill everybody."

"I'm like that loud guy in the bar, who kind of makes sense for about ten minutes, and then you realise he flunked everything at high school so you just laugh at him."

"I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic hatreds."

Honesty and hilarity. Bill Burr crushes both.

Bill Burr has taken up the mantle of bygone truth-telling comedians like George Carlin, Bill Hicks, and Lenny Bruce. He's far from politically correct, which often gets in trouble, but that is something his fans love. His stand-up acts are wildly popular as his Monday Morning Podcast, which he's hosted for a few decades. It would be impossible to list all his greatest lines, but here are the ones I can't get enough of.

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It would be impossible to list all of Bill Burr's greatest lines, but here are the ones I can't get enough of.

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