Yahoo News Aurora James Recalls Wanting to 'Disappear' amid Longtime Struggle with 'Destructive' Eating Disorders (Exclusive)
The fashion designer spoke to PEOPLE about getting healthier amid her ongoing battle with anorexia and bulimia, which began in the seventh grade when she felt like “food was the enemy”
Aurora James was in seventh grade when she started feeling like "food was the enemy," weighing herself every day because the body shapes of runway models were "definitely not the body type that I had."
"I had a calendar that I hung on the wall above where my scale was. Every day, as soon as I woke up, the first thing that I would do is weigh myself and record my weight on the calendar," she tells PEOPLE of the habits that ultimately led to her developing anorexia and bulimia.
The Brooklyn-based fashion designer, 39, opened up exclusively to PEOPLE about her longtime struggle with eating disorders, which she touches on in her upcoming memoir Wildflower.
There are numerous factors that James associates with her developing her eating disorders.
She recalls having a difficult bond with her mother and grandmother, who both had complicated relationships with food that she believes got "passed down" to her. James also grew up in a time when mainstream media was "telling her" that she didn't fit the ideal beauty standards.
"My grandmother was someone who counted every calorie, and my mom was someone whose weight naturally fluctuated because my stepfather used to restrict food from her," she says, recalling the domestic abuse she survived as a child.
"Also, as much as fashion magazines would transport me to another world — beautiful Kim Walker editorials with pastel-colored Persian cats and beautiful Chanel couture gowns — the girls in all of those ads were size zero," she explains. "So I think it was complicated because I didn't feel like I fit into that body type and that perhaps because I didn't, I wouldn't be seen as attractive or accepted."
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All of those factors were moments where James says she lacked opportunities "to exert any kind of control." But she achieved that form of control through her eating habits, admitting that her anorexia and bulimia were "a control mechanism" that continued through adulthood.
"I definitely knew that it was wildly unhealthy, but to me, it just was what it was. I think most people who struggle from an eating disorder, that's also partly depression. So I think I was depressed and just managing it the best that I could," she says. "I think that a lot of young girls, when they don't feel accepted or seen or enough or valuable, you kind of want to fade away, to disappear. And I think I definitely fit under that category."
James' weight often fluctuated throughout her 20s as she struggled to get a grasp on healthy eating habits. She often received compliments about her weight, which were ultimately fueling her disorders. And with many friends who were dealing with their own eating disorders, James didn't have the necessary support. She says she relapsed at many different points in her life, which were always in moments she felt like she lost that sense of control again.
However, James — the founder of sustainable accessories line Brother Vellies — recalls reaching a turning point in her health journey around 2016, when she was surprisingly feeling her best before working with a celebrity nutritionist who she says pushed "super destructive" ideals of beauty.
"I had started feeling better and I was pretty healthy. I was doing Pilates, I was eating, and then I was like, 'Okay, I should go to a nutritionist and make sure that I'm feeling good.' That nutritionist told me that I was carrying too much weight and he didn't know why I would be comfortable living my life at a six when I was born to be a 10," she recalls. "Five minutes before that, I was sitting in their waiting room with two Victoria's Secret angels. So I definitely didn't feel great."
"I worked with him for two and a half years," James says. "I thought that I was getting help, but it actually ended up being some of the worst and most unhealthy years of my life. I remember one year before a big event, he was like, 'Okay, I need you just to eat watermelon for 10 days.' And I did that. And I remember on day 10, I literally fainted."
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From that point on, James realized that although it can be beneficial for some people, seeing a nutritionist wasn't going to be a solution to her eating disorders because of her deeper struggle with body image and mental health.
"I just started focusing more on more traditional therapy," she explains, pairing that with meditation. "I realized that trying to work with someone to address the food part was really just a bandage because it was the heart part, the value part, the little girl part that needed to be addressed."
"There are these things that happen in your life where it sits with you and manifests in a different way and can create shame, pain, hurt and can create desire for control unless you really unpack a lot of those things," she adds.
Today, James says she's doing better, admitting that she'd be lying if she said her eating disorders aren't a daily struggle.
"I don't know that eating disorders are a thing that you get over and then never struggle with again," she stresses. "It's almost like having issues with alcohol or anything like that. This is a thing that you grapple with for the rest of your life. Sometimes it's going to be easy, sometimes it's going to be hard, and sometimes it's going to be somewhere in the middle."
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"I just think it is an ongoing battle," James continues, noting that she has to be "extra diligent" with loving herself more. "I need to be eating based on fueling my body because I want to be on this planet for a really long time. And I think in order to do that, I'm going to have to make sure that I give my body what it needs in order to be healthy and happy."
Seeing how intense her own health journey has been, James urges others going through similar struggles to be proactive in addressing the underlying issues in order to get the necessary help.
"How we're feeling when we are tempted to participate in bad habits, that is the sticky part that we need to dive into," the designer and activist says. "What is that feeling you're having at that moment when you decide to make an unhealthy decision? How can we work through that feeling and where that feeling comes from? And anyone that you can trust in your life to be a confidant to you to talk through some of that stuff — whether it's a therapist, a psychiatrist, or a friend — is exactly who you should have on speed dial."
James tells PEOPLE that it's time to break cycles by having a bigger conversation about eating disorders and body image in today's society, which is why she's sharing her experience for the first time in her memoir, Wildflower, which is set to release May 9.
"As much as the body positivity movement has come a little bit more into the forefront over the past five to 10 years, I think that there are signs that we're going to start slipping backwards in some very real ways," she adds. "And I think that as a society, as a culture, as media, as people of influence, we need to start having some of these conversations and understand the risks to society by continuing to push certain narratives onto women."
If you or someone you know is battling an eating disorder, please contact the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) at 1-800-931-2237 or go to NationalEatingDisorders.org.
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