Burgers! John Bercow’s tie! All men! What would you put in a time capsule of the decade?

Griefcast’s Cariad Lloyd
Noise-cancelling headphones

Cariad Lloyd
Cariad Lloyd. Photograph: Martin Godwin/The Guardian

In 1989, Dr Bose invents noise-cancelling headphones so pilots can communicate more effectively. In 2016, I buy noise-cancelling headphones to listen to comedians talk about things (AKA podcasts). I travel on trains and hear no other passengers! I learn about clocks, murder and cryptocurrencies! I tune out all other humans except the ones I have chosen to listen to! Is this why the country is now so polarised? Never mind! Listen to how good all music sounds now – hooray!
Cariad Lloyd is in Austentatious, Fortune Theatre, WC2, 24 February to 27 July

Lolly Adefope
McDonald’s burger

Back in the day, getting a McDonald’s was a treat – the trendiest birthday party location for anyone in Year Five, or a dreamily hungover car journey to the nearest drive-through – a free cheeseburger for anyone with a student card. In 2019, it takes about four seconds to order it to your doorstep, which, if you ask me, takes away some of the magic. Fingers crossed for table service in every McDonald’s in the next decade!
Lolly Adefope stars in Shrill, available on BBCiPlayer now

Love Island’s Ovie Soko

Instagram changed the world. It changed the way people see things and how people sell things. I first got it in 2012, and I was hooked. I wasn’t the sort of person who took a lot of pictures of myself; I don’t know if it sounds creepy, but I used it to scroll through images of other people instead. Before I went into Love Island, I had about 4,000 followers, but now I’ve got a little over 2 million. Instagram doesn’t make me feel bad. I honestly feel like one of the lucky people who just enjoys the pluses of it; I don’t think too deeply about it or overthink it, which is what some people do. I want to post something and I post it. It should be really straightforward!

First Dates’ Fred Sirieix
Red heart emoji

Love has never been more important and relevant as it is now. In fact, nothing compares to love and the energy of love. Still we fail to grasp and understand its significance and power. As a human race, we have made so much progress over the years to improve our daily life and reduce suffering, yet we are inconsistent and contradictory when it comes to what matters most. As long as we fear and see difference in others we will not reach our true self and potential. The red heart emoji is the one and only thing that unites us all.
Christmas First Dates is available on All4

Natasia Demetriou
All men

I’m putting all men into the capsule because it would be really good for the people who open it up to talk to them. There would be the lovely, great guys – of which there are plenty – and the less great guys. The latter would provide an example of what [the men in the future] shouldn’t be. This past decade has shown a shifting in men, in the media and the world. It has been very formative and juicy, and it’s affected the way me and my friends think about work and each other now. Also, putting all men in the capsule would mean that there would only be women left, and that might redress the influence men have had on culture and art. Then we can start afresh. What would they collectively smell like? Lynx and snack food – like cheese and onion crisps.

Tez Ilyas
Smart home assistant

Commemorating a smart home assistant would perversely mark the exact moment of the beginning of the end. When humans began to relinquish their autonomy and lives to the machines. Hopefully, it will be found before the last of our species is hunted down by the AIs, and they can understand, in their final moments, that humanity surrendered its future because in the 2010s our species needed a reminder from a tiny robot dildo to get the milk.
Tez Ilyas is touring 11 September to 28 November; starts ARC, Stockton-on-Tees


Mabel. Photograph: Suki Dhanda/The Observer

I’ve chosen a pair of Heelys, the shoes with wheels in them. They were an iconic shoe while I was growing up: all the colours they made, and the light-up ones were so cool! I remember, as a kid, that everyone wanted them, because they were so much fun to wear. It would be so interesting to see whether they would still be a thing 10 years from now. Who knows? Maybe they’ll come back into fashion again.

Sleaford Mods’ Jason Williamson
A noose

Jason Williamson
Jason Williamson. Photograph: Katherine Anne Rose/The Observer

The hangman’s noose embodies the absolutist deprivation in austerity – and, worse still, the lie of austerity – that those outside of stable money have had to endure. The optionless pallet. This decade has been remarkable only in its cruelty and praise of those who enforce it.

Rylan Clark-Neal
Diary Room chair

Rylan Clark-Neal
Rylan Clark-Neal. Photograph: Linda Nylind/The Guardian

I would save the Diary Room chair from the final series of Big Brother. Yes, I know that seems like a very easy answer for someone who admired the show, won it, and made a career from it, but, unselfishly, Big Brother is the show that changed television. Without the show, 99% of reality shows now would not be around. A format that lasted nearly two decades, and is one of the most successful formats globally, should be celebrated. The show changed lives, for the good and the bad. Big Brother is now not with us but, trust me, he is always watching, and I’ll make sure he comes back when the time is right to reclaim his reality-television crown.

Celebrity Big Brother chair
Celebrity Big Brother chair

Jordan Brookes
A mannequin

Jordan Brookes
Jordan Brookes. Photograph: Murdo MacLeod/The Guardian

I resisted it for a while, as I do any craze, but when the Mannequin Challenge [a viral craze in which you have to keep very still] was proposed as a family activity over 2016’s Christmas dinner, I quickly gave in. Christmas is my favourite time of year, when I’m most vulnerable and willing. But my grandad was less keen. He died earlier this year, so I’m glad we have a video to remember him by: the whole family around the table, holding poses in various states of festive celebration before the camera finally goes past my grandad, sat there carrying on tucking into his Christmas dinner, staring down this biblical scene of idiocy. It was the perfect, sabotaging punchline to yet another dumb fad, defining the vibe of the decade; wearily deadpanning a world acting unthinkingly like idiots.
Jordan Brookes is at Soho Theatre, W1, Sat to 15 Feb; touring to 20 Feb

Self Esteem
Apple headphone adapter

I would put the Apple headphone adapter (or as we call them in the band, adaptress) in the capsule. I want it to serve as a grave warning about technology and development. I want future generations to be aware of the pain that we lived in, how one small (very easily lost or broken) thing held the key to a good bus journey or a bad one, and I want humanity to never be held over such a barrel again. I would want us to look back at the absurdity of man and hopefully we would have somehow progressed.

Jamie Demetriou
Tattoo gun

Jamie Demetriou
Jamie Demetriou. Photograph: Suki Dhanda/The Observer

I was born crossing my fingers, eyes closed, praying that when I first caught a glimpse of myself, I would be covered in drawings of crap all over my body and face. Alas, it was just boring old skin, and I’d have to wait to get a snake on my head or a bin on my neck or a question mark by my penis until I was, like, 50?! Crushed. Luckily, over the last decade, tattooing has become so common and wicked that kids as young as nothing are inking it up! And every single one anyone has got has been so nice. Genuinely. (Spoiler: I didn’t get one in the end because I hate them now so much that it makes it quite difficult to focus on work or my relationship.)
Stath Lets Flats is available to stream on All 4

John Kearns
John Bercow’s tie

For 10 years, Bercow chaired the House of Commons, and though he ditched the wig and robes, there’s no denying he lit the place up with his choice of tie. Whether you wanted to ask him where it was from or give him a peanut is another matter.
John Kearns is touring 20 Feb to 22 Mar; tour starts Hyde Park Book Club, Leeds

Clara Amfo
Woozy face emoji

Although emojis were first invented in 1999, this one sums up so much about modern living: like, if I can’t think of a tweet when I want to tweet. Or if I didn’t like something on Netflix and wanted to tell people. Or if I went on a bad date with a guy and wanted to let my friends know. It’s perfect for this decade. At the risk of sounding extremely trite, if you look at society today, the general mood is a mix of joyful, frustrating, worrying – like the emoji. I’m sure there’s lots of scholars who would probably turn their noses up at emojis, but, good or bad, they’ve affected the way we speak to each other.
Top of the Pops Christmas is on the BBC iPlayer