Top Ten Big Brother housemates no-one remembers

Steve Berry

If there’s one criticism that ‘Big Brother’ housemates face, it’s that they only audition for the show as a short-cut to fame. And if there’s one fact that accusation conveniently ignores, it’s that practically all of them have failed to make any kind of impression upon leaving.

Sure, a few have cropped up since, perhaps peddling some insultingly easy £10,000 phone-in quizzes on ‘This Morning’, or maybe DJ-ing a set at a university freshers’ week or a dingy Romford nightclub. Some, in the case of a few girls, might be able to prop up the flaccid sales of Nuts or Zoo week in and out. And who can forget Alex’s post-BB3 Domestos ad? The one in the shower? C’mon, you must remember that! No? Okay, then.

Clearly, despite the promise of fame and fortune (at least for the show’s one true great, the tragic Jade Goody), or the ignominy of late night nudie stuff on the higher-numbered channels of the Sky EPG (hello, Michelle Bass!), ‘Big Brother’ guarantees only to deliver a clutch of post-eviction no-marks who deservedly dissolve back into anonymity whence they came. Here, then, are the top ten housemates everyone was happy to forget.

10. Josh Rafter (BB2)
Days in house: 34
Voted into the house on day sixteen amid promises of nudity, naughtiness and nocturnal activities, property manager (i.e. estate agent) Josh failed to ignite the ardour of fellow gay housemate Brian. He was summarily dismissed to a short-lived career modelling pants.

9. Daniel Bryan (BB5)
Days in house: 71
In a series which featured more fights than any other, hair stylist Daniel managed to avoid involvement in all of them. Forever the middle man, he was the dull voice of reason in a dressing gown. Somehow, he came third. At least Becki Seddiki pretended to be Italian.

8. Laura Williams (BB8)
Days in house: 38
What is it with the dressing gowns? Perhaps they confer invisibility upon the wearer. Yawnsome Matt Lucas lookalike Laura spent over 400 hours in bed, more than half her time in the house, most of it wearing a leopard-print number. Who knows? She may still be there.

7. Caroline O’Shea (BB1)
Days in house: 29
Former sex toy saleswoman “Caggy” was notable only for two things: her regular need for a ciggie and her braying Brummie laugh. Post-‘Big Brother’ activities have included a failed assault on the pop charts and, most notably, she accidentally knocked over Vanessa Feltz at the TV Quick awards.

6. Lynne Moncrieff (BB3)
Days in house: 8
An early eviction and some kiss-and-tell nudie pics in the tabloids did nothing to avert Lynne’s  forgetability. It’s some achievement to be less well-remembered than Sunita Sharma (the first-ever housemate to leave of her own volition), but this one managed it with aplomb.

5. Jennifer Clark (BB9)
Days in house: 30
Romance? Faux-mance, more like. Jen and Dale were the hot couple, in and out of the house, what with her chavette Cheryl Cole beauty and his promise to “nail” all the girls. Jen’s principled stand against posing topless wilted after a boob job and Nuts came a-knocking.

4. Vanessa Layton McIntosh (BB6)
Days in house: 50
Late-night Sapphic snogging with Lesley did nothing for Vanessa’s popularity. She left after a twist which saw viewers nominate and her fellow housemates choose who to evict. A brief flirtation with modelling was ditched in favour of a high-flying career in financial law.

3. Justine Sellmann (BB4)
Days in house: 15
In a last-ditch attempt to save herself from eviction, Justine lounged around the house in a bikini, danced raunchily with other girls and declared she’d once had a threesome. Not enough. Regional telly presenting beckoned, but not for long. She now works in sales.

2. George Askew (BB7)
Days in house: 13
George was less a wannabe, more a neverwas.  The self-confessed mummy’s boy walked on Day 13, claiming probable post-BB fame would be too much for him. More likely the prospect of eleven weeks in the company of Nikki Grahame filled him with terror.

1. Isaac Stout (BB10)
Days in house: 2
Even less famous than the Celebrity Hijack housemates (and no, they don’t count), Isaac walked into the house disguised as a fish and chip delivery man and walked out less than two days later when girlfriend Noirin was evicted. Officially the least-seen housemate ever.