Soap weddings from hell

Dry clean your frocks and dust off those hats. The summer is nearly upon us and the wedding season has begun. After all, it was only a couple of weeks ago that Tanya married Greg on ‘EastEnders’ and of course Wills and Kate will shortly be strolling down the aisle too.  With that in mind, we hope they follow our advice and don’t have a wedding that’s like something from a soap.  Why not? Well, remember some of these?

Corrie: Charlie Stubbs and Shelley Unwin, June 2005
Everyone knew that Charlie was a big mistake, the bully. On their big day, he woke up with a stranger in his bed and it was only during the vows that Shelley woke up and answered “no” before sprinting down the aisle. He kidnapped her in the wedding car but she escaped once more. Charlie didn’t learn and went on to mess with Tracy Barlow, who as he would find out, could fight back.

Lesson for Wills and Kate:  Make it part of the vows that if Wills cheats, he has to go out with Tracy Barlow.

EastEnders: Mel Healy and Ian Beale,  New Year’s Eve, 1999
It’s unlikely for many reasons that Wills has made the same mistake as Ian: Lying about his daughter having cancer in order to win sympathy. But, let’s not be honest, he is, like Ian was all those years ago, punching above his weight, so we can’t be sure what he’s told her. Anyway, the marriage went ahead but just minutes after the service, Mel dumped Ian and did a runner.

Lesson for Wills and Kate: If you’re going to lie beforehand, make sure you’re well covered until at least the day after.

Corrie:  Dev Alahan and Sunita Parekh, November 2004
Bless. Dev saved Sunita from an arranged marriage and they fell in love. But he hadn’t counted on one thing – his vindictive ex, Maya. On their big day, she showed up with the police and had Sunita arrested for bigamy. She’d set her up by stealing her birth certificate and marrying illegal immigrants in her name. Hardly the big day that they’d envisaged. And after they did tie the knot, Maya tried to burn them alive.

Lesson for Wills and Kate:  Make sure any psychotic exes are locked in the Tower the week beforehand.

Emmerdale: Val Lambert and Eric Pollard, October 2008
If Charlie tried to kidnap Shelley after the service, poor old Val didn’t even get that far, as she was abducted by Eli Dingle on the way to her wedding to Eric Pollard. Thing is, she wasn’t even aware it was her wedding day and when she realised that skinflint Pollard had made it that day to save money, she played along with her kidnap, only emerging when he said nice things about her.

Lesson for Wills and Kate:  It’s unlikely, but definitely don’t sneak in an advance wedding on Thursday in Walthamstow, Wills.

Dynasty: Prince Michael of Moldavia and Amanda Carrington, May 1985
This was the closest soap wedding we could find to royalty. It’s like she’s Kate and he’s Will. Fortunately, Britain is a bit more stable than Moldavia, wherever that is. In America, 60m people tuned in to watch the end-of-season cliffhanger,  in which most of the people attending were gunned down.

Lesson for Wills and Kate: Make sure that revolutionary fever doesn’t reach fever pitch in the days before you get married.

Corrie: Mike Baldwin and Linda Sykes, September 2000
Like father, like son. Linda gave the ‘Corrie’ Cassanova a taste of his own medicine when it was revealed on their big day that she’d slept with his son Mark. Mark tried to blackmail her before the service into running away with him and was furious when she refused. But when he revealed their affair at the reception,  Mike took her side against his and it wasn’t so much gaining a wife as losing a son.

Lesson for Wills and Kate:  Make sure that Kate hasn’t been up to mischief with any other member of your family first.

EastEnders: Kat Slater and Andy Hunter, Christmas Day 2003
Despite the fact that she was clearly made for Alfie Moon (and still is, like it or not), Kat’s head was turned by gangster Andy’s cash and charm. The night before the wedding day, she opened her heart to Alfie’s gran, who then of course passed on her knowledge to her beloved Grandson. This all led to a ‘The Graduate’-like chase through Walford to meet her at the altar. When he got there, there was a classic EastEnd fight and even Dot Cotton got involved, swinging her handbag.

Lesson for Wills and Kate: If there is a fight, try and stand behind an old lady with a handbag (The Queen, perhaps).

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