Dear Coleen: My ex keeps coming to see me against my will. What should I do?

A woman of State Pension age is sitting with her head bowed.
A worried pensioner. -Credit:Getty

Dear Coleen

I'm in my late 70s and 10 years ago, my husband was admitted to a nursing home with ­Alzheimer's. My whole world fell apart and his daughter, who I had brought up for 12 years, cut me off and stopped me having contact concerning his wellbeing.

A year later, I met a man on social media who's the same age as me and, after six months, we started a relationship and he moved in with me.

After a few months, I found out he was cheating on me, so I told him to leave. But he didn't have anywhere to go, so I asked my local authority to rehome one of us and a property was available that suited my needs, so I moved into it.

Eventually, I decided to give him another chance and things were OK but I suppose I still had doubts. Then, about three months ago, he decided the relationship wasn't what he wanted and just walked out with no further explanation.

Fast forward to now and he's started to come over with silly reasons for dropping in. I know he's seeing someone else, so I've asked him to stay away but he's still turning up.

I've told him if he carries on, I'll get a court order to keep him away as I'll never move on while he's still around. It's difficult because I do still care for him, despite all he's put me through. I don't need this at my age.

Coleen says

I know it's hard if you still have feelings for your ex but stay strong and keep doing what you're doing. Don't fall for his charm and let him back in.

He sounds like a user and a player who runs back to you when things aren't going so great. He had his chance and he blew it twice. You're doing well on your own and deserve to be happy but it's not going to be with him.

Trust me, being with him is not better than nothing. And I say that as a twice-divorced woman who's spent significant periods of time on my own. So, if he comes over, don't even let him through the door– make it really clear to him there's no way back.

I think at the moment, you're threatening it, but not doing it. So stop him at the front door, tell him he's not welcome and hopefully he'll get the message and realise his charm offensive isn't working.

You're obviously a caring person with a lot to give but you have to care for the right person and he's not the right one. That doesn't mean there isn't someone else out there for you.

I don't care what age you are, anything is possible. Focus on your friends and get out to local groups and clubs. You don't need this man to live a full and happy life. Good luck.

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