Dear Coleen: My hubby cheated for 18 months while we tried for a baby

Couple arguing
Wife found out husband had an affair. -Credit:Getty Images/iStockphoto

Dear Coleen

My husband and I have one-year-old twins through IVF, which is a dream come true for us. Sadly, though, I’m seriously thinking of ending my marriage after finding out that my husband had a sexual affair with a woman he met online.

It lasted about 18 months up until I found out I was pregnant and then he ended it.

My husband eventually confessed after I found a text from him to her and claimed the affair happened because of the stress of infertility and our terrible sex life (we really only had sex to try to conceive, which wasn’t that enjoyable).

This woman is also married and had a similarly bad sex life at home.

He says it was “just sex” and he understands he betrayed me and lied to me and desperately wishes he could turn back the clock. He wants us to have therapy and work through it. I don’t know, though, because I’m so hurt. I cry all the time and I’m already exhausted and emotional looking aftertwins.

I’m struggling to accept it was “just sex”. It lasted 18 months, so they must have grown close emotionally and cared for each other. Thinking about it is driving me insane.

Coleen says

Well, I’m pretty sure you were stressed too, but didn’t resort to having an affair. Moving on, the positive bit of this is he wants to have relationship counselling, which shows a ­grown-up attitude.

As a couple you’ve been through a really tough time trying to conceive and sex became all about having a baby, leaving no space for passion, fun, desire and intimacy.

I’m not condoning his affair by the way – he should have told you how he felt at the time before jumping into bed with someone else – but I understand how you got to this place and how you lost the connection with each other.

He wasn’t able to open up to you and he then made a very bad decision.

Right now things are still raw, so my best bit of advice is to give yourself some time to think things through to avoid making a rash decision based on pride and anger.

If a little time out is possible, take it.

Also, consider his offer of going to counselling but, again, don’t feel under pressure to make any decisions.

You might have a few sessions and think: “OK, I get it now, but don’t think I can forgive you or trust you again” or you’ll realise it’s worth keeping going. Either way, you will have worked at it and not come to a decision based on anger.

I really feel for you with two babies. It’s heartbreaking, but take your time deciding what to do. Good luck.

Don't miss the latest news from around Scotland and beyond. Sign up to our daily newsletter .