Dear Coleen: 'I'm perimenopausal and my husband's sulking because I picked PJs over passion'

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and we’ve been married for 15 years. Sex and physical closeness have always been an important part of our relationship.

When we started living together, my husband said we should make a pact to always sleep naked because it would keep us close, and help keep romance and passion alive. I thought it was a great idea at the time and at 25 it was fine and at 35 it still worked, but I’m 45 now and perimenopausal.

I’m running around after two kids, while trying to keep my career going, and most nights I just want to get into bed in a pair of comfy pyjamas, put on an eye mask and go to sleep. It’s not that I’ve become prudish or anything, but I suppose I’m just older.

He doesn’t get it, though, in fact he gets really offended and takes it personally, as if I don’t fancy him any more. It’s causing arguments and I think he’s being childish and insecure over something that’s not worth getting worked up over.

Do you think I’m right or is he right to feel hurt – I don’t know any more. I feel we should be able to change things without it being the end of the world and be able to evolve as a couple. I’d love your opinion.

Coleen says

I agree that all relationships need the capacity to grow and evolve and I also agree that his ­reaction seems a bit over the top. However, he’s ­obviously seeing this as a big deal because it’s something you’ve always done, and maybe he’s thinking: “Are we on a slippery slope?”

I think the important thing is to reassure him and keep talking about it. And be honest with yourself, too. You say you’re feeling tired and perimenopausal, so maybe that means you’re not feeling very sexual and the pyjamas provide a bit of a barrier.

If that’s the case, then discuss it with your husband and explain it’s not to do with him, but about how you’re feeling in yourself right now. Sex and romance doesn’t have to stop as you get older, but it’s natural for it to look different to when you were in your 20s and 30s. The problem is, if you feel under pressure, the less you want to do something.

I think that compromise is key – maybe he can help out more with the kids, maybe you can plan a few nice things for just the two of you and maybe you can sleep naked sometimes. But don’t allow it to build up into this massive issue because you’re not able to talk about how you really feel.

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