Dear Coleen: 'I have a wonder son, but I don’t want to lean on him too much'

Dear Coleen

Sadly, I lost my mother on May 16 this year, and she hasn’t been buried yet due to various complications.

I have also been in hospital for nine days due to having a cyst removed from my spine, which isn’t mending very well.

I’m feeling very low and tearful after the surgery, and grieving my mother at the same time. I was my mum’s main carer and loved her so much. It feels like I’ve lost my best friend.

I’m worried that when I go home, it’s going to hit me for six when I see all her belongings again. I’m not that close to my family so I feel alone in my grief.

As well as coping with all of this, I also lost my job as the company said four weeks off was too long. I was also ­relatively fit and strong before all this happened.

Now I have nothing and my home, where I lived with my mother, will be sold and the proceeds divided by four.

I do have a wonderful son, who has been a tower of strength, but I don’t want to lean on him too much.

I’m feeling so alone at the age of 64 and really hope you can help me.

Coleen says

YOU must feel so overwhelmed right now.

In terms of your grief, it’s early days and you’re going through the hardest part. One of the toughest bits is sorting through your loved one’s things because it brings up so many memories and it’s a stark reminder that it’s real.

Maybe your son can be with you for this bit, and you mustn’t worry about leaning on him – my guess is he’d be more upset if you didn’t reach out to him. It’ll help him to feel useful too.

Please consider grief counselling because it really helps to talk.

When my sister Bernie died, I found it more helpful when talking to people who didn’t really know her because I wanted to talk about how I was feeling and not anyone else.

It’s a difficult thing because you can’t put a time limit on it – you can’t say, “In two months I’ll feel better” because it’s a process that’s completely different for everyone.

Just know that how you’re feeling right now is normal. The more you love someone, the more you’re going to feel it.

I was lucky in that before Bernie died, she talked about it and said, “I’ll let you grieve for two weeks – I’m worth it – but I want you to get back on the horse.”

So when I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed, I forced myself to do it because she’d told me to!

You are still at the very ­beginning of this, so take it a day at a time.

Also, try not to worry about the work situation until you’re feeling stronger – focus on healing from your surgery.

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