EPL TALK: Don’t laugh, Manchester United could make serious derby statement

THIS may come as a shock, but Manchester United have stopped being funny. In a rather unsporting fashion, they’ve gone all serious and statesmanlike, like George W Bush after he left the American Presidency.

The recent respectability is grudgingly appreciated, but the slapstick routines are secretly missed. With the Red Devils, we came for the football, but stayed for the comedy. Now, we’re stuck with the football. And it’s surprisingly good.

The funny stuff is coming from the other Manchester club, albeit in a surrealist fashion. Pep Guardiola has spoken of his “ridiculous” tactical ideas for the upcoming derby and his players followed up with a semi-ridiculous display in their Carabao Cup defeat at Southampton. They couldn’t score with Erling Haaland on the bench. They couldn’t score when Haaland came off the bench, failing to produce a single shot on target.

The striker didn’t feature against Chelsea in the FA Cup and City pulled together one of their most collective, balanced performances in recent weeks. The Norwegian lab experiment did play against Everton in the English Premier League and scored, but a disjointed Manchester City didn’t win.

If Guardiola’s dandies are not quite all over the place, they are wobbling like teenagers trying to walk in a straight line after a couple of pints. Their balance is off. Whereas the Red Devils are marching on with militaristic discipline, if not quite the precision, which is an unsubtle way of suggesting that they might do all right in Saturday’s derby.

Naturally, such a bold claim comes with more conditions than a speaker’s permit at Hong Lim Park. But United have the focused air of a fledgling singer-songwriter finally taking his craft seriously after years of excess in a cynically manufactured boyband. Chasing fame and fortune suddenly feels dated and cringey, a bit too Cristiano Ronaldo in his underwear on Instagram. It’s all about the work now.

And the work is proving fruitful, with almost too many positive stats to choose from. There’s the most points won in the EPL since United beat Liverpool on 22 August. There’s an eight-game winning streak in all competitions – United’s best run since January 2019 – and a ninth victory would be the club’s finest effort since January 2017. While three consecutive clean sheets in the EPL hint at a newfound defensive stability.

Even Harry Maguire returned in the Carabao Cup, helping to keep another clean sheet against Charlton Athletic and guiding the club into a semi-final in a competition that no longer includes Manchester City. A trophy looks a real possibility this time round.

As for those caveats, yes, the winning run mostly involved beatable opposition, but United didn’t beat these opponents in the past, not consistently anyway. That’s the point. That’s where the comedy came from. Every winnable fixture was often a banana skin away from penalty-box pratfalls and hysterical headlines.

In fact, the last Manchester derby felt like a wake, acknowledging the death of a fallen giant. Pep Guardiola’s men won 6-3 in the most awkward coming together of household names since the AFF Cup clashed with a Jay Chou concert. There was only going to be one winner. United looked tired, washed up and irrelevant.

The game was played on 2 October. Just three months ago. What a difference an Erik ten Hag makes.

Successors to Fergie and Keano found?

Manchester United have not only found a spiritual successor to Sir Alex Ferguson, at least in terms of principle, discipline and man-management, but ten Hag has also discovered a decent successor to Roy Keane, too.

Marcus Rashford’s goals might pull focus, but Casemiro pulls the side towards something bigger and simpler. He’s the mirror image of his manager: understated, controlled and quietly influential on those around him. The most decorated footballer in United’s squad favours humility over histrionics, but his impact has been immediate.

The midfielder directs play on ten Hag’s behalf, improving the performances of Bruno Fernandes and even Fred, which in turn creates opportunities for the liberated Rashford.

Like Keane, Casemiro inspires by example. He doesn’t need Ronaldo’s theatricality. He’s still got the gravitas, along with the legs, the engine and the self-control.

There’s nothing comedic about Casemiro. He hits his KPIs like a metronomic civil servant, but with real flair. The Brazilian should be entertaining company on Saturday night.

Kevin De Bruyne, on the other hand, was unable to lift his toiling team-mates when he came on in their Carabao Cup defeat, which may be a provocative, simplistic comparison. Guardiola sent out second stringers against Southampton, making De Bruyne more of a babysitter than a first among near equals, but the loss still bothered the manager. City were poor.

There’s a suspicion that the gap has narrowed between the two Manchester clubs.

Of course, this is still a Manchester derby, to use a bit of pundit speak, and there’s every chance that Haaland the Impaler might knock in a hat-trick, knock out a couple of centre-backs and bite off the head of a small child on his way back to the dressing room.

The Norwegian is a very physical reminder of what the Red Devils still do not have (but then, no one else does either, apart from Guardiola and the casting agent of House of the Dragon.) Nevertheless, Rashford’s remarkable seven goals in six games are a testament to both his renaissance and ten Hag’s ability to improve existing personnel to address a longstanding problem.

But Rashford remains a stop-gap striker, by his own admission, more adept at cutting inside than leading the line. While Anthony Martial’s two goals in the previous Manchester derby were somewhat emblematic of his United career. They were late and inconsequential. He’s not ten Hag’s first choice in the No.9 role. Replacements will be sought.

And they will come because ten Hag is building something better.

The Theatre of Dreams has closed the curtains on farcical productions. The clowns have left the building, along with over-promoted managers, underwhelming coaches and superstars raging against the dying of their fast-twitch muscle fibres.

Whatever the result of the derby, Manchester no longer feels like a one-horse town.

Neil Humphreys is an award-winning football writer and a best-selling author, who has covered the English Premier League since 2000 and has written 26 books.

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